Talk to Me about Senior Invisibility

If you're over 50, 60, 70 and beyond -- in what ways do you feel invisible as a sexual being? E.g. from medical professionals? community services? caregivers? colleagues? dismissive attitudes from others?

I'm collecting examples for an upcoming talk. Comment here or email me with the subject header "Invisible." I won't use your name if I quote you. Please include your age.

Here are some examples from readers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll "like" if you haven't already) to get you thinking:

💬 I'm 64. A few years ago, I saw a male physician who began almost every sentence to me with "A woman of your age...." as if I was geriatric in every sense of the word and he needed to explain how I no longer had the physical abilities of a "young and healthy" woman.  He was lecturing me on how I needed to change my expectations for my body and make allowances for those changes. The irony was his age, at least 50 himself. 

💬 I was using the free wi-fi at the Senior Center. Anything that has “sex” in it is blocked.  

💬 I'm 53, and I often feel invisible in social groups. I was in a mixed-age group once  online where younger men were telling sex jokes. An older woman joined in, not flirting with them, just telling her own stories. When she mentioned being in her early sixties they flipped out, complained about feeling sick, and so forth. Honestly a lot of men my own age aren’t much better. Sometimes I look in the mirror to see if I’ve grown a second head with the way that they act. I just don’t feel comfortable flirting and being sexual the way I used to because of the negativity I keep seeing towards women over 50.  

💬 Try being a gentleman and over 70. If I compliment (all PC and non sexist) a woman under 50, I get the "dirty old man" look! Can't a compliment just be that? My wife often will compliment another gal on her fashion, and it's accepted with a smile. I wouldn't dare try that! 

💬 I want to be invisible, in fact miles away, when someone at a family gathering starts talking about: their hemorrhoids
* his Viagra use
* how he pees in the middle of the night
* how, when he was a kid, he used a piece of liver to jack off
* asking pretty young women to sit close to him
All of these fall under too much information (TMI). I don’t need word pictures of things I don’t want to see. 

Your turn!

I Asked, You Answered, Part 2

In my newsletter a few months ago, I asked my subscribers several questions. The response was so huge that I devoted an entire blog post to the answer to the first question: "If you're in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?" Read my readers' answers here.

The answers to the remaining questions were less plentiful but every bit as interesting and, I hope, useful. Here are excerpts:

 If you're in a relationship that's less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?

* I wish she'd realize how difficult it is for me when I've tried romantic stuff and she doesn't respond. I wish she allow herself to get turned on like she used to in her 30s.

* I’m 67, in a heterosexual relationship with a peer, 68, who has chronic back pain with acute flare ups which he fears and dreads. His solution for sex - on back, still as possible -  leaves me frustrated. His anxiety has affected me, and I’m wondering how to speak up. Friends have suggested sex toys. I’d like to lose my own inhibitions and ask for more foreplay.

* I'm in a relatively new relationship that was interrupted by breast cancer that required a mastectomy. Months after her final chemo treatment, there is no further evidence of cancer. The drugs that suppress estrogen also suppress libido. We are on uncertain ground. It's difficult to talk about, because it is such a change from pre-cancer romance. I'm not sure what it is we are talking about some of the time: is it the shock of having had cancer, exhaustion from trying to get back up to speed at work, drug effects, or is it actually the relationship? All the things that used to work, don't. It's like we're starting from scratch with a lot of baggage added. She once expressed her sense of how this relationship has gone for her as, "We were dating. Then I got cancer and everything focused on that. While you were looking after me the relationship grew deeper for you; for me it disappeared. Now I'm back and we are in very different places." Patience is the key for both of us. Psychological recovery takes longer than physical healing, we both know that. Yes, I'm in love with her and I know she loves me; she says it often.

In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you'd like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?

* My sexual appetite and lack of inhibition are stronger than my husband’s. Part of me -- the randier side of me -- thinks it would be cool to have another partner. But my husband is emphatic that that would be grounds for divorce. It’s not worth it to me at this time to pursue it. Sometimes I believe that it’s attractive because, after 33 years, it’s just different.

* I am involved now with a man who identifies as polyamorous. I've been strictly a one man gal, and it's been an eye opening experience to process this new paradigm. I love him, but only time will tell whether I can live a lifestyle that is so foreign to me. As I age, I am more sexually comfortable, adventurous and voracious! As a young woman I was painfully shy, inhibited, and sure I wasn't attractive. Now I feel strong, capable, sexy, attractive and free to express myself sexually and sensually. As challenging as my current relationship is, I have never had richer, more vibrant, freeing conversations with any man I have been involved with. It is a gift, and no matter what happens, I will always appreciate what this man has brought to my life.

What's the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, "You're the kind of person I want to go to bed with -- but not the kind of person I want to wake up with."

* My marriage before it ended: "Not only do I have to have sex with you, but I'm supposed to enjoy it?"

* "You're too fat to fuck." Still smarts after all these years.

What else would you like me to know?

* I want to learn how to love without fear, without clinging to the safety of old thinking. How to love extravagantly, with respect at all times for myself and my partner(s).

* I enjoy sex more now at age 66 because after many years, I’m more into the total experience that each encounter brings. When I was young, it was me and my partner getting to the big “O”. Now, it’s so much more. The passion, while still there, is not the rip off your clothes type passion. It’s the patience, if you will, of taking our time and enjoying each other’s bodies. It’s the expression of love and the communication that wasn’t there years ago. It’s the candles flickering in the darkness of the room. It’s the kissing and caressing. It’s the change that comes with each love making session. It’s our willingness to explore different “toys” and lubricants. Can we move and get into positions like 20 years ago - of course not. But what we can and do now that we didn’t do before is we can totally love, accept and appreciate each other for what we are. Seniors who take every bit of love making to the fullest every time.


Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!

"Sex after 65" in the news

I'm often complaining that little is known about our age group's sexual behavior and beliefs because no one asks us. So I was delighted to learn that researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 1,002 people between 65 and 80 about their sex lives as part of the National Poll on Healthy Aging 2018. The report, titled "Sex after 65. Health, gender differences, and lack of communication," was released on May 3, 2018.

Here are some of the findings:

• 40 percent of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active.
• 54 percent of those with a partner are sexually active.
• Nearly 2/3 of older adults say they’re interested in sex.
• More than 50% say sex is important to their quality of life.
• 73 percent said they are satisfied with their current sex life.
• 18 percent of older men and 3 percent of older women say they’ve taken medications or supplements to improve sexual function in the past two years.
• Only 17 percent of older adults said they have talked with their doctor or other health care provider about sexual health in the past two years.
• Those between the ages of 65 and 70 were nearly twice as likely as those in their late 70s to be sexually active.
• 50% of men but just 12 percent of women aged 65 to 80 said they were extremely or very interested in sex.

As I read this, I kept asking myself how they defined sex or sexually active or sex lives. Did sex with a vibrator, a partner's hand or mouth, or one's own hand count as sexually active or having a sex life? (I say yes.)  I asked Erica Solway, Ph.D., co-associate director of the poll, who told me,

We did not define sex because we wanted the response to be based on the individual’s definition of what constitutes sex (or their sex life or being sexually active) from their own perspective. We felt this was important, but it does mean that we do not have information on what activities people were referring to when they reported they were or were not sexually active. It’s possible that two people engaged in the same activities may have responded to the questions differently based on their personal definition.

I agree that our own definition of what constitutes sex is important in a study like this -- I applaud this, in fact. But I would have liked that clearer in the poll questions. For example, "Are you currently sexually active?" could have been worded, "Do you engage in sexual activity?" That may sound almost the same, but I have a hunch that many people would interpret the first question as "Do you have sex with a partner?" and the second as "Do you have sex, either with a partner or with yourself?" Asking the question differently would have raised the percentage of people who answered yes to that question, seems to me.

What do you think, readers? Am I off base? How would you interpret the question, "Are you currently sexually active?" (Please answer in the comments section.)

The wording of the questions is a minor quibble, though, because I understand that the poll was multiple-choice, not essay questions, and answered online, not via an interview. In the end, I'm happy that someone's asking.

This report was all over the news. Here are some of the headlines:

• CNN: "Seniors, new poll says, are still sexy after all these years"
• USA Today: "Seniors and sex: Many adults ages 65-80 are having sex (and most are pretty satisfied)" 
•  US News: "Study: Many Adults Ages 65 to 80 Continue to Be Sexually Active" 
• The Guardian: "Sex a key part of life for people over 65, study says"
• Bustle: "The Sex Lives Of People Over 65 Are Thriving, Study Finds, So There's Finally Something to Look Forward To"

As glad as I was to see this study in the news, I couldn't help wondering why the [younger] public is so surprised that we seniors have sex on our minds and in our beds. Why would we give up something so pleasurable? Do they expect that on some predetermined birthday, we'll just say, "Sex? Been there, done that, moving on. Now help me blow out all these candles."

Thank you, University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation, for conducting the study, and AARP and Michigan Medicine, U-M’s academic medical center, for sponsoring it. Let's keep talking.

I Asked, You Answered, Part 1

In a recent newsletter, I asked my subscribers these seven questions:

1. If you're in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?

2. If you're in a relationship that's less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?

3. If you're single or non-monogamous and dating, what is your safer sex policy? How do you discuss this with a new partner?

4. In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you'd like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?

5. What's the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, "You're the kind of person I want to go to bed with -- but not the kind of person I want to wake up with."

6. What would you like to learn about sex and aging this year?

7. What else should I have asked?

I got such a huge response to Question #1 that I'm devoting the rest of this post to excerpts from your answers. A later post will address the other 6 questions. (You're welcome to add your answers to questions 2-7 in the comments or by emailing me here.)


* My wife and I married in 1968. I believe that sexual satisfaction comes from sexual growth through constant trial and error experimentation. This leads to a constantly evolving sex life. We must be willing to try new things as long as no one is being hurt. Some will be good experiences and some bad. Keep the good and discard the bad. If we're afraid of making a mistake and have a high aversion to risk, we automatically limit our chances of succeeding or improving.

* At 55, we've been married almost 33 years. Both partners need to actively choose to keep their relationship spicy and active. Both have to be honest and frank about their desires. Don’t be freaked out if you disagree on what you’d like to do. Just treat it like every other issue you’ve disagreed on through the years: listen, suggest, compromise, and give it time.

* I am 70 and my wife is 66, married for over 50 years. Somewhere we lost the spark. I had been taking meds that affected my erection or lack of. Intercourse was impossible. Then I got a penis pump that Medicare paid for. The thing looked unromantic and embarrassing to use, but with the help of "Sucker Sam," I got an erection that I could maintain and have intercourse. Now my wife really wants sex with me! She wears sexy outfits, we turn on mood lighting and music, smoke some medical herb, and break out the massage cream. We are having the best sex of our lives. I think the real key to all this is the extreme intimacy we both experience. As we put it, "Our souls touch."

* Schedule sexual intimacy, and persistently but gently keep to the schedule, because at our age our hormones are no longer adequate to propel us spontaneously towards sexual activity.

* We're 74, and for the last 15-20 years we have not felt the need to spice things up to maintain our sexual interest. Sex for us is about celebrating our being together, being alive with each other, and our deep caring and love for each other. We have a ritual that involves perhaps 20 minutes of foreplay leading to a few minutes up to 10 or so of intercourse, with strong orgasms for both of us. At the end it's less about physical pleasure  and more the elation of saying we are still here, we can still express our love physically, and isn't that incredible?

* We are in our early 70s, married for over 50 years. Despite our many physical limitations, we have found ways to have an active and fulfilling sex life by using advice we have read in our sex library: sex toys, positioning pillows, timing taking of meds, and planning early morning encounters before meals interfere and energy sags. Two years ago we decided to focus on improving our sex lives from mediocre to more active, frequent and satisfying. We found a saying, "A better sex life does take some work. Couples who put effort into their sex lives have stronger relationships." We assembled a library of sex related books (we have all of yours!) and spent much time studying and discussing them. There is so much information available today that was not just a few years ago.

* We began using sex toys (I like that you call them "tools" which is really what they are) and Liberator positioning pillows. We decorated our bedroom to provide a better romantic atmosphere. We found that the more you have sex, the more you want it and your body will adjust to enable it. We learned from our reading  that when physical problems develop (sexual or otherwise), there are methods to help overcome and improve the deficiencies and this gives us confidence, which helps to keep the sexual union relaxed and enjoyable. Also exercise and diet and general good health habits are important. We are having the best time and only regret that we did not make sex more of a priority before.

* At 60, I have found that the best thing is to continue to put the other partner first. In every matter, not just the sensual. I know that if I put my woman's needs, wants, and desires before my own, that I will be well rewarded by a partner who feels the same way.

* I am a T2 diabetic, and neuropathy is robbing me of my sensitivity "down there." We talked about the Pulse you reviewed -- this opened the lines of communication. Push the limits of your sex life outside the box. Keep pushing your comfort zone. Don't let 'age' stop you from experimenting and exploring. You'll be surprised at what you can do, and feel, even at our age.

* Ask your partner if they would like to try new things, like toys or role playing. For instance, I asked my wife if she would like to spank me. This thought had never occurred to her. She considered spanking as a punishment, not as playful foreplay. We discussed how hard to strike (sensual spanking should sting a little, not leave welts), what areas of the body to spank (only the buttocks and upper thighs), and how long before the safe word came out (I always quit right after the orgasm). After a couple of trial and error sessions, she found that she enjoys playfully spanking me, as I enjoy spanking her. There is no punishment meant on either side; this is meant for playful pleasure.

* As my husband and I worked to overcome a crisis in our marriage, one thing that truly helped me ease off all the pressure I was putting on him was your writings, Joan, on Facebook and your newsletter. To read an expert telling me that masturbation was REAL sex; oral sex was REAL sex; sex with sex toys to enable us to orgasm was REAL sex? Holy shit. I realized I was having quite a bit of REAL sex, and I didn’t recognize it. I thought that because I couldn’t orgasm with intercourse anymore (it was never easy), or because sometimes I had to finish myself off alone, after 20 minutes of my husband doing everything in his power to make me come, that our sex life was deficient and substandard. How sad is that?! Two people who love the hell out of each other, are utterly compatible and fit together like puzzle pieces, thinking that they’re defective because their sex life didn’t fit the old notion of what “sex” was. I thought we were all wrong. You said we were right. In doing so, you freed me from feeling inadequate, broken, defective and damaged. My mental state, my physical state, and above all, my husband and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.


Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!

Why is Sex Better After 50?

If you're over 50, how is sex better now than in your youthful decades? I don't mean just the physical part of sex -- also your emotional response, ease of communication, less fear, less self-consciousness? I'd love to hear from you.

I asked this on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, which I hope you'll visit and "like." We so often hear aging discussed in terms of what we lose, what hurts, what doesn't work anymore, what is falling away. But on the glass-half-full side, aging is filled with changes that are beautiful and fulfilling. My question aimed to elicit some of those thoughts, and indeed that happened. Here are some excerpts from readers' comments:

• Enjoying. Embracing every single moment and soaking it all in. Losing all the inhibitions, life is short and here to be lived. It's no longer a race but a truly pleasurable shared experience. 
• It's all about the communication. I feel comfortable expressing what I like and talking all about sex. 
• Openness, adventure, self acceptance, passion. 
• I think by the time you’re in your 50s, you’ve established what you enjoy in a sexual relationship. A person knows what their partner likes, responds to and gives back. In youth you just wing it.
• Not selfish. 
• Touch is an integral part of the experience for me and I teach my partner how to touch me and where and I do the same for him. I'm much more excited about exploring than I ever was in my younger days. Yes, much fewer inhibitions especially around my body and my body image. I'm less concerned with having an orgasm (because I can get that on my own) and much more focused on enjoying all the sensations. 
• Discovered that trust on all levels is a major aphrodisiac.
• Sex in my 70s is relaxed, playful, fun, unhurried, experimental, and made wonderful by open, easy, frank communication with my partner about what we each do and don't like. Feelings of closeness and trust form significant parts of the overall experience, and our orgasms are happily extended as we pleasure one another without stress or anxiety or rush. Now is the best age in my entire life for uncomplicated, completely happy, and totally delightful sex! 

I hope you'll want to comment and add your thoughts. 

Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair, an erotic memoir

11/1/17:  I'm moving this October 2010 book review to the top of the blog today because I think Rae's book is brilliant, engrossing, and passionate. I want to be sure you know about this sexy memoir. -- Joan

"Where are the books by and for women over 50 that deal honestly with sexuality?" I've asked myself for years. Dozens of self-help books for our age group have appeared in the past four years, thank goodness, but where are the sexually honest novels and memoirs that talk about our lives, our passions, our desires, our sexuality, our inner lives? Finally -- Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair by Rae Padilla Francoeur arrives with honesty and sizzle.

Free Fall is an erotic memoir and much more. Rae Padilla Francoeur, age 58, begins a love affair with Jim, age 67. It's hot, very hot, explosively hot. Rae describes the passionate details -- how he touches and controls her body, how her passions smolder, build, and erupt. As graphic as her details are, I'm pleased that she uses language our generation is comfortable with -- penis, vagina --  instead of the edgier language that characterizes most contemporary erotica.

And, oh my, this book is beautifully written:

I am shameless. I will slide over every inch of him, kissing him back, wrestling in all that sweat to stay on top. I am sure I will never get enough of him. He will find this out and, being the man he is, he will revel in trying to find the outer limits of my stamina and prowess. He never will.
...
I've become so still and quiet and deep in the zone where my brain is one massive sensor hooked into the places he touches and the places I touch. There is nothing else. I'm all body.
...
We're kissing each other like the end of time is on the other side of the door. We kiss like this for ten or fifteen minutes until suddenly Jim stops it all. He steps back. He pulls my skirt over my hips. He takes my hand and places it on his penis.

Rae Padilla Francoeur 

The title refers to more than Rae's "free fall" into later-life passion. Like all of us, her love affair doesn't happen in a vacuum. Much of the book deals with her other "free fall" -- her relationship with Eli, her partner of many years, who is losing his battle with bipolar disorder. Rae loves him deeply, though her love is more brotherly than loverly by now, but she must choose herself over Eli if she is to survive. Eli's story grips us as much as Rae's love affair with Jim.

Free Fall: A Late in Life Love Affair is one of the best books I've read in years. I hope you'll read it for yourself, and let us know what you think.

Why Don't They Ask Us?

I'm sure you've seen news stories that announce how often seniors are having sex or how much we enjoy the sex we're having. A problem I have with many of the studies about sex and aging is that they often don’t define “having sex.”

Does "having sex" mean partnered sex only? (Solo sex is real sex!) Heterosexual intercourse only? Orgasms? Are they asking whether we're having the same kind of sex we used to? What if we're enjoying new ways of having sex?

If we give a partner an orgasm and the partner gives us an orgasm, but there's no PIV (penis in vagina), did we have sex? I say yes. If we haven't had partner sex for a year but we give ourselves weekly orgasms with our favorite vibrator, are we sexually active? I say yes.

I don’t think we know much about what kind of sex seniors are having, once we broaden the definition of what sex is. My definition: Sex is any activity, solo or partnered, that gives us sexual pleasure, arousal, orgasm -- and maybe, but not always, all three. Does that cover the kind of sex you're having? Help me finesse this definition.

Let's discuss this. How would you define sex at our age? And how has your definition of sex changed over the decades? If you're willing to share your definition, or you have a comment on this topic, I invite you to post to the comments section. Your turn!

Seniors: How (and what) is your sex life?

It occurs to me that after 11 years of talking out loud (shouting, insisting, cajoling, writing) about senior sex, the questions that interviewers ask me have become quite intelligent and open-minded.

When I first started this work, interviewers would ask elementary questions (e.g. "Is it true that seniors are having sex?") and would often place a value judgement on what they heard (e.g. "Yeah, but eeuuww, the idea of my parents/grandparents having sex...!")

But now, however young the interviewer is, there's an open attitude, a nonjudgmental striving to understand. It's not such an odd idea anymore that we aren't retiring our genitals at some arbitrary age. This is progress! Or am I just lucky enough to be interviewed by smarter, more sex-positive interviewers?

One topic that interviewers find endlessly fascinating is that we're not settling into old age passively or predictably. Many of us decide that it's time to go after what we want, whether or not it's what we used to want or ever thought we'd want.

I wrote about this in the "Stretching Boundaries" chapter of  The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, and many of you contributed your experiences in the "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships" in Naked at Our Age. I'm often asked, "What percentage of seniors are into kink?" or "Are many seniors polyamorous?" or "Are most seniors happier with their sex lives than they were when they were young?" I sometimes answer, "I don't collect statistics -- I collect stories."

Yes, some studies have been done, but more often than not, research and surveys either overlook our generation entirely or only study straight relationships and define sex as heterosexual intercourse, which is just one form of sexual expression. I don't think that our generation is being asked the right questions about what we do, what we want, and how we feel about it.

So I'm opening this up to you: If you're over 50 (lots older is fine!) and you find that your ideas have changed about what you want your sex life to be, please feel free to comment with your views and especially how those views have changed in recent years. Please give yourself a first name (doesn't have to be real) instead of "Anonymous" and include your real age. (If you have any trouble posting a comment, email me with the subject line "blog comment: how and what" and include what you want to say, what name you want to use, and your age, and I'll post it for you.)

I started this discussion on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, which I hope you'll read, "like," and share. Thanks!



Learn more about my most recent book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50. Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.

Are you having sex? What does that mean?

It's important for us to redefine what we mean by "having sex" and being "sexually active," especially with our changing bodies, relationships, and circumstances as we age.

In my view, "having sex" means doing whatever arouses and pleases us sexually, whether partnered (any gender) or solo, with or without sex toys, with or without orgasm, in any manner that turns us on. 

Did I leave out anything? 

It's annoying and it doesn't serve us when "having sex" or "sexually active" only refers to partnered sex, and especially when it only refers to PIV (penis in vagina) sex. Media, researchers, survey takers, doctors, please take note!

I'd like to invite a discussion here. Answer #1 and any of the others that interest you with as much information as you're willing to share:

• How old are you, and how would you define "having sex" or being "sexually active" at this age?
• Do you consider solo sex to be "real" sex? Why or why not?
• If you were surveyed about whether you are sexually active, how would you answer? What would you mean by that answer?
• Has your doctor or other medical professional asked you about whether you're sexually active? 
• If you asked your doctor or other medical professional about a sex-related concern? How did that go?

 

Please post your answers as comments here, or if you're confused about how to do that, email me with "post on blog for me" as your subject header, and I'll do it for you. (Include a first name of your choice -- it doesn't have to be your own.)

Thank you. I look forward to sharing views with you about this important topic.

#AdultSexEdMonth

For More Senior Sex News and Views...

A new book coming out in January... regular Sex At Our Age articles for Senior Planet... speaking gigs all over the country... a gazillion yet-to-be-answered emails from readers -- with all that's going on, you may notice gaps of two weeks or more between posts.

That doesn't mean that I'm ignoring my mission to keep the conversation going about boomer and older-age sexuality -- quite the contrary! I'm using my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to give you quick senior sex news and views and links to articles of interest to sex-positive seniors. You'll also find questions I'd love to hear you discuss and occasional rants from me.

Here are some of the topics we've been discussing there:

• Single seniors: What has made you cringe that you've viewed or read on a dating profile?
• The lack of older adults in sexuality research.
• What does your favorite porn say about you?
• Men try sex toys for the first time video -- our guys grumble about the message.
• Sex blogger Erica Jagger's gynecologist says sex ends for women at 65.
• A midlife man talks about his body and posing nude.
• A Danish magazine interviews me about sex toys for seniors.

If you're not following my Naked at Our Age Facebook page yet, visit the page, "like" it, comment on anything that grabs you, and visit often.

Don't assume that you'll automatically see that page in your news feed, even after you've "liked" it, though. Only a small percentage of the page's followers do, because Facebook wants to encourage (strong arm) me to pay to promote the page. You can circumvent that problem by doing this:

1. Go to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page.
2. "Like" it if you haven't already.
3. Hover your cursor over the "liked" button to get a drop-down menu. Click "get notifications." 

Aha, now you'll  receive a notification from Facebook every time I update the page. (Thank you, Eva Gantz of Giving Books a Voice: Helping authors get smart about social media, for explaining this to me.)

Yes, I'll continue to write this blog with topics that need more length and depth than a Facebook update allows. In fact, I have about five different posts in the hopper that I need to finish. Meanwhile, see you on Facebook?

Has society's view of senior sex changed? Question for my readers

7/17/14 update: I originally wrote this post October 2012. At that time, it seemed to me that our society's attitudes towards senior sexuality were finally starting to shift. When I began writing and speaking about the this topic in 2005, I was a rare voice talking publicly about this subject. In the past couple of years, I think we've made gigantic strides. A large -- and loud! -- community of sex educators, writers, workshop presenters, therapists, and sex-positive seniors are shattering the ageist sexual myths that our society accepted for generations, such as that our aging bodies have an expiration date when it comes to sexual pleasure. What do you think?

Do you think that senior sex is now accepted, even celebrated, compared to five or ten years ago? I hope you'll comment here.

Sometimes I really feel we're changing society's view of aging and sexuality -- other times, I wonder if I'm deluded because I surround myself with open-minded, sex-positive people who  applaud my ideas and communicate similar messages to their followers.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the momentum of the world I want to live in that I think we've already achieved it -- but have we?

Are we just a small (but loud!) part of a society that still sees sexually exuberant seniors as laughable? Or are things really changing?

When my first senior sex book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty came out in 2006, it caused quite a stir in the media because it celebrated the joys of senior sex and included details of what was hot about sex after 60. (My personal favorite moment in that book is the nail-filing section -- I love the smiles I see from women when I read that part aloud during a speech!)

Then I wrote Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex (2011) to address the challenges that prevent sex at our age from being as spicy and fulfilling as it can be. This book has won two major awards and is used and recommended by therapists and sex educators. I'm proud and grateful to all the people who contributed to that book.

Now I'm interviewed a lot and invited to speak at conferences and other gatherings. It really feels like I'm living in a world that recognizes that our sexuality is lifelong and ageless, and no matter what else is happening in our lives -- medically, emotionally, partnered or not -- we are capable of this pleasure. 

I hope you'll post a comment so that this topic can become a discussion rather than one woman's monologue --or her wishful thinking!

May: Senior Sex Month + Masturbation month!

What a lovely coincidence! May is "International Masturbation Month," according to Good Vibrations. It's also "Senior Sex Month," thanks to Senior Planet, the senior site that advocates "aging with attitude" and is launching my new "Sex at Our Age" column this month. In this column, I'll answer reader questions about the realities and challenges of staying sexual in aging bodies.

I love that International Masturbation Month and Senior Sex Month happen at the same time. I propose that we combine the two! We're not all fortunate enough to be partnered at this time of our lives, and many of us who are in relationships are not having sex with our partners as much as we'd enjoy. Pleasuring ourselves is a way we can stay vigorously sexual, give ourselves wonderful jolts of joy, and enhance our health simultaneously.

Oh? You doubt that solo sex enhances health? Here are just a few of the benefits of sexual activity and orgasm with or without a partner that I list in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, coming soon from Cleis Press:

• Reduces stress
• Enhances mood
• Strengthens the immune system
• Helps fight infection and disease
• Lowers diastolic blood pressure
• Keeps sex organs healthy
• Improves blood flow
• Helps with sleep
• Relieves headaches and other body aches
• Relieves depression
• Reduces risk of heart disease
• Reduces risk of prostate cancer
• Relieves chronic pain
• Increases blood flow to the brain, increasing mental acuity
• Makes your skin glow
• Relaxes you
• Makes you happier
• Feels really good

Reasons not to self-pleasure? Hmm... Can't think of any.

And if you need an assist, check out the many dozens of sex toys I've reviewed from a senior perspective here -- keep scrolling down to "older posts" because there are about a hundred reviews. (Don't worry, you won't end up with a list of 100 toys to buy -- some of the products are horrid and you'll just laugh at those reviews. But the wonderful ones? Ah, your body will thank you for adding these to your sexual repertoire!)

My current fave, Palm Power 

No Sex for 12 Years, Now Vagina Too Tight for Penetration

[1/19/14: So many readers are landing on this post from 2007 as they search for information about vaginal tightness and pain that I updated it, including current links. 

-- Joan]

Frustrated in Florida, age 61, had not had sex for nearly 12 years, until recently. She wrote in an email to me:

Apparently one's vagina does change after not using it for a long period of time. I always thought sex was like riding a bicycle, but it is not. One can't just get back on and ride! I experienced such pain during the attempted penetration that we had to stop. What a disappointing and embarrassing moment. My partner was very understanding, however I was just frustrated and disappointed.

I went to my GYN for an examination soon after and explained my circumstances. She gave me a thorough exam and said although I had many tiny lacerations and redness, my vagina seemed normal. She explained how one's vaginal lining becomes thin after menopause and her advise was to abstain from sex for two weeks, using lubrication to aid in healing.

When we engaged in sex again, very gently, I was once again disappointed with the level of pain even though using lots of lubrication. We once again had to stop.

So now I am wondering if there is some way I can stretch my vagina for it seems like it has shrunk. (Perhaps it is just my imagination running wild!)

Have you had anyone else write you with a similar problem and if so is there a solution? For your information I have never been on hormones and my partner's penis is of normal size.

No, it's not your imagination, and yes, it's true that the vagina will seem to shrink after a long period of abstinence, especially after menopause, and penetration will be painful or sometimes impossible. You'll find a helpful chapter in my book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and several other posts about vaginal pain on this blog.

I'm disappointed that your gynecologist is not this helpful. Telling you you're "normal" while you have lacerations and pain is not helpful, is it? Most doctors do not know how to diagnose or treat vaginal pain, and it 's wise ask for a referral to a sexual pain specialist.

Please read Vaginal Renewal Program  by Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., at A Woman's Touch, a wonderful sexuality resource center in Madison, WI. It tells you step by step how to massage and stretch your vagina. Here's an abridged version:

* External Moisturizing and Massage: Increase the suppleness and blood circulation of the skin of your vulva and vagina with a five- to ten-minute massage with a moisturizing sexual lubricant like Liquid Silk®, a water-based lotion that will soak in and moisturize your skin, won't get sticky, and will help you massage with very little friction.

Push in to the skin with circular strokes, and massage what's underneath the skin, rather than brushing across the skin. Include the inner lips, the hood of the clitoris, the head of the clitoris and the perineum.

To complete your external massage, massage into the opening of the vaginal canal, using the same circular strokes. The massage itself does not need to be self-sexual in any way, but if that is comfortable for you, by all means explore these sensations.

* Internal Vaginal Massage: To massage inside your vaginal canal, we suggest using a lucite dildo which is very smooth and will not cause friction or tearing. Choose your size based upon how many fingers you can comfortably insert into the opening of your vagina.

After a session of external vulva massage, apply the same massage to the inner surfaces of your vagina with your dildo with lubricant applied on both skin and dildo. Rather than pushing the dildo in and out, use a circular massage movement. You are increasing skin flexibility so that your body can adjust to comfortable sexual penetration if you choose it.

You might also choose to use a slim vibrator for massaging the vaginal walls. Coat it in Liquid Silk and then insert it gently. Turn it on and let it run for about five minutes. You don't need to move it around, just lie there and let it do its work.

* Orgasm: For women who stop having orgasms, the blood vessels literally can get out of shape, preventing future orgasms. If you are able to bring yourself to orgasm, do so at least once a week (for the rest of your life -- seriously). This is preventive maintenance of your body.

* Kegel Relaxation: Kegels increase both the strength and flexibility of your pelvic floor muscles. Pay attention to the relaxation and deep breath part of the exercise. Learning to relax your pelvic floor will help you to avoid tensing up before penetration. (Read A Woman's Touch's Step-by-Step Kegels in this article about pelvic floor health.)

In my earlier book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, I had interviewed a 75-year-old woman who had been celibate for 38 years and was in a new relationship. She was unable to have intercourse because her vagina had dried and narrowed to the point that penetration was impossible. She sought help from her gynecologist (a wonderful woman who bought dozens of copies of Better Than I Ever Expected to give to her patients!), who helped her. 

Best wishes for a joyful resolution to this problem -- please keep me posted.

--Joan

Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: Guest post by Penny

Joan and Penny

 Note from Joan: CatalystCon West 2013 was filled with amazing educators, new information, and a sense of community that I wish we could all feel everyday, everywhere. Normally I would write a synopsis of this conference, sharing what I learned.

 But this time, I give the floor to Penny, a remarkable, 26-year-old sex blogger, who attended the session I gave: The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging. She started this guest post on the plane going home, she told me, tearing up as she wrote it. I'm proud to share it -- and her -- with you here. With allies like Penny, we' can indeed change the world.

Why Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: 

Guest post by Penny

I went into Joan Price’s panel The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging at CatalystCon with the attitude that I was going to take a leap and learn about something that doesn't apply to me, at least not yet. I told Joan this when we ran into each other in the hall before her panel, and she smiled and said with a chuckle, “Maybe you’ll find what I have to say useful in about 30 years.”

But I quickly realized that what Joan was teaching in her panel didn't only apply to people aged 50+ -- it was relevant to anyone, including myself now, at age 26.

The first myth that Joan debunked about sex and aging was the idea that what felt good to us in the past should still make us feel good now, and that when it doesn't, there must be something wrong, and we might as well just give up.

photo by Roman Roze

She explained that as our bodies change with age later in life, the ways we experience arousal and pleasure change as well, and that this is perfectly normal. She went over specifics, like the differing needs that seniors may require in a toy, such as very strong vibrations, the ability for the toy to last long enough to endure a longer cycle of arousal, ergonomically comfortable designs for arthritic hands, easy to use controls, etc.

Sure, Joan was describing the specific sexual needs of people outside of my age demographic, but the underlying message was universal: We must remember that sexuality is fluid and that it changes. Our bodies change, our lives change, our needs and wants change. Self-exploration is a continuous process.

I may not be 50 yet, but what turned me on when I started having sex at age 16 is dramatically different from what turns me on now. My challenges with arousal are not the same as senior challenges, but they’re there. Some weeks I feel down and emotional, and I don’t want to take the time to give myself the self-care that I need. I have moments when I think, why isn't this working like it usually does? Why can’t I just orgasm like I usually do?

Joan made me realize that in these moments, I need to give myself the compassion I would give a friend. If someone came to me and said something wasn't working for them, I would encourage them to keep trying because they deserve pleasure. I would try to help them find new ways to experience arousal and suggest new toys and techniques. I would also tell them that there is nothing wrong if something just isn’t working right now, and that pleasure and orgasms don’t always come easily.

Everyone deserves that encouragement and support. We must allow ourselves to exist as we are right now, instead of trying to conform to what society expects of us or even what we expect of ourselves.

Like this myth of feeling like an “alien in our own bodies” because we've changed, and we feel like we aren't ourselves anymore, everything Joan discussed was not only relevant to seniors, but to everyone. The importance of communication between partners, adaptation to change, making time for pleasure and practice, and continual commitment to self-care, sexual health, and sex education are always important.

Towards the end of her talk, Joan shared a personal story about her grief in losing her love and partner. Her words shook me deeply, and as tears streamed down my cheeks, my sniffles were echoed by a woman sitting near me. Grief is incredibly personal, and I cannot pretend to know what Joan has gone through, but in that moment I felt like her grief was somehow also mine. Grief for her loss, for everyone I've lost, and for myself and the deep fear I don’t usually even realize that I carry with me: that I am alone, that nothing is certain, and that any day could be my last or my partner’s last.

But as I listened to Joan share her story, I also felt her strength. She said that what lives on after us is what we pass on to others, what we give to people, what we share, our love and compassion. In that way, she said, we become immortal. I’m often so wrapped up in my own needs, wants, concerns, challenges, and privileges that I forget to seek out others’ experiences, to listen as much as I speak, and to share what I have.

As she ended her talk, Joan asked us all to help her with her cause, to speak out against ageism, to stop and say, "That’s not funny," if we hear malicious, ageist “jokes,” and to tell people that they are beautiful exactly as they are. In return, she offered up her own voice, to help us in whatever injustices we battle.

Her words echoed Yosenio V Lewis’s speech from the Opening Keynote, when he called us to take on someone else’s cause because it is our cause as well, to come together instead of staying in isolated groups, to collaborate and realize that we are all ultimately fighting for the same things: love, compassion, and acceptance. 

Penny is a freelance writer and photographer from Austin, Texas. She explores sexuality creatively through her blog Penny for Your (Dirty) Thoughts, which is known for its variety of writing, unique sex toy photography, and erotic self-portraiture.

Invitation: What do you want to see in new book?

Here's an inside look at a writer's brain: Every time I finish writing a book, I shout, "There! I've done it! There's nothing more to say!"

 But there always is more to say, more to think about, more to learn, more to teach.

What questions, concerns, and topics related to sex and aging did I not cover in Naked at Our Age, or cover too briefly? What more would you like to know about aging and sexuality in all its colors?

 Yes, I'm thinking about my next book, and I need your input! Brainstorm with me by posting your suggestions. (Though you're welcome to use a fake name, please tell me your real age.)

5/27/13 update: Here are some ideas that followers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page posted, to get you started:

• Do you cover Tantra? Or is that too New Age for "our age"?
• I'd like to know what I can do in my 40s to prepare for the longest, healthiest, most enjoyable sex life possible in the decades that follow. 
• I know you covered some of this in Naked at Our Age but more of how to deal with Sexless Marriage would be real good thanks xxx

What else, readers? Don't worry if your idea seems unconventional or offbeat. If you give me an idea I didn't think of myself, that's very helpful. If you repeat an idea I did think of myself, I know to make sure I'm covering it thoroughly. 

If you'd rather email me your ideas privately with more detail, or if you'd like your experiences included in this book, email me here and put as subject header: "Include in new book."  Thank you! 

Age 69+ wanted to discuss sexuality in documentary film