Getting Your Mojo Back: Excerpt from The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50

Getting Your Mojo Back

Excerpt from 

The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50: 

How to Maintain - or Regain - a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life 

by Joan Price  

I used to be eager for sex, easily aroused. My desire dipped after menopause and now barely exists. I can go weeks or more without desiring sex or thinking much about it. The funny thing is, if I get started, I like it, but it’s so hard to get in the mood. 

 The number one sex problem that I hear from women is the lack of desire for sex. They do still enjoy sex once they get started, they tell me, but they’re seldom in the mood ahead of time. It isn’t just a problem for women—many men also report decreased desire—but for women, it’s the primary complaint. The problem is that if we wait for the mood and don’t make sexual pleasure a priority, we’ll rarely have sex.

There are lots of reasons that you may be feeling decreased desire, but let’s cut to a solution that works first, and figure out the reasons afterward:

 Instead of waiting for the mood, start getting yourself sexually aroused—on your own, with a partner, or with a vibrator. Just do it. The physiological arousal will trigger the emotional desire.

That’s the opposite of the way it used to work! When we were younger, our hormone-induced sex drive bombarded our brain and body with desire—especially during our most fertile times. This was simple biology. A glance, a thought, a murmur, a fantasy, or a touch sparked the mood. Once in the mood, we opened ourselves to the pleasures of physiological arousal. We got turned on, our arousal built, and we crashed joyously into orgasm.

 But now, this all works the other way around. Instead of waiting forever for the mood to strike, we can induce the mood by letting ourselves get physiologically aroused as the first step. Arousal will lead to mood and desire, instead of vice versa. Here are your new mantras:

• Desire follows action. 
• Use it, don’t lose it. 
• Just do it. 

“You may have just saved my marriage,” a woman told me after I gave this suggestion at a presentation. Try it—you may feel the same!

 What to Do Instead of Waiting to Be in the Mood 

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to approach our sexuality in this new way: Relax, start getting physically aroused, emotional arousal will happen, and voila, we’ll be in the mood. So the key is to commit to regular sexual pleasure, partnered or solo. How does this translate to real life? Here are some tips:

• Schedule sex dates with your partner and/or with yourself at least weekly, more is even better. 
• Exercise before sex for faster arousal and easier orgasms.
• Create rituals with your partner that signal sex would be welcome. 
• Allow plenty of arousal time -- no rushing, no goals except pleasure. 
• Make sexual arousal and orgasm a habit, whether you're partnered or on your own. 

Make sexual pleasure a habit. Give yourself sexual pleasure frequently, and you'll find that you'll become aroused more easily and enjoy sex more! 

Learn more about 

The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50.

Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.

Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 by Joan Price available now!

I am happy to announce that The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life (Cleis Press) is available now!

That means that you can start 2015 with the most comprehensive and up-to-date guide to sex after 50, 60, 70, 80 and beyond.

You'll learn immediately useful information and tips about medical challenges, loss of libido, loss of intimacy, dating, elusive orgasms, erectile dysfunction, vaginal pain, self-pleasuring, sex toys, kink, and more.

If you want information about the sexual changes, questions, and concerns you’re experiencing. The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty offers straightforward, nonjudgmental information and immediately useful tips, spiced with comments from my readers.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty delivers solid, practical information in a friendly, accessible style to help you -- whatever your gender or orientation, partnered or unpartnered -- enjoy your sexuality for the rest of your life. 


Do you want your copy of The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 now? Here are three ways to get it:

1. Order directly from Joan for an autographed copy with this PayPal button:
   
   

   Autograph to [name]:

   
2. Buy from your local bookstore. They probably have it in stock; if not, ask them to order it.
3. Order from Amazon with this link.

What's inside the covers? Check out the Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: Busting the Myths about Sex and Aging 

Chapter 2: What’s Happening to My Body? 

Chapter 3: Getting Your Mojo Back 

Chapter 4: Sex with Yourself and Toys 

Chapter 5: Sex with a Longtime Partner 

Chapter 6: Stretching Boundaries 

Chapter 7: When Intimacy Ends 

Chapter 8: You and Your Doctor 

Chapter 9: When Sex Is Painful 

Chapter 10: Cancer, Cancer Treatment, and Sex 

Chapter 11: Heart, Brain, Joints, and Sex 

Chapter 12: Sex without Erections 

Chapter 13: Single after All These Years 

Chapter 14: The New Rules of Dating 

Chapter 15: Sex with a New Partner 

Chapter 16: Safer Sex: Always 

Chapter 17: Sexy Aging Going Forward 

Chapter 18: Conclusion 

Recommended Resources

Joan with Brenda Knight

I was so excited about the arrival of my books that I drove an hour and a half in gusty winds to the Cleis office to pick up the copies I ordered, rather than wait for shipping. I arrived to find Brenda Knight, the queen of Cleis Press, and the whole staff as excited as I was!

Seeking LGBT reader quotes

Update: The book is done and going through the publishing process. Thank you for your help!

Needed: more LGBT reader quotes for my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty (to be published Dec. 2014 by Cleis Press).

This book will be a valuable self-help guide for people over 50 of all gender identities and sexual orientations. However, right now, most of the experiences, comments, and questions that readers have sent me are heterosexually focused.

Can you help me fix that?

If you're over 50, identify as LGBT, and you're willing to share comments for publication, please email me or comment here with a few sentences about your experiences or views about any of these that strike your fancy. (Don't try to answer them all -- choose one or two and send me a paragraph.) Please include your age.

• What has changed about your sexuality lately?
• How has aging affected your sexual behavior, attitude, and enjoyment? 
• What are the special LGBT issues related to sex and aging?
• How do you keep the spark going in a long-time relationship?
• If you're single now, how does age impact finding a partner or having sex with a new partner? 
• What myth about sex and aging would you like to change?
• What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
• How did your doctor react when you brought up a sexual concern? Did your doctor ever say something that offended you or led you to switch docs?
• If you were having sexual problems, resisted going to a doctor or therapist, then finally did, and there was a treatable explanation for the problem, tell me your story.
• What else would you like to share?

By emailing me or posting a comment here, you're giving me permission to use excerpts in my book if they fit. What you tell me may help others significantly.

If I use your comments, I won't identify you in any way, and I'll be careful to delete any details that might lead someone else to identify you.

Thank you for helping me make this book the best and most inclusive guide to sex and aging!

-- Joan Price 

Needed: Your experiences and insights

I'm working on my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty (Cleis Press), and I'd like to include more comments from my age 50+ readers about any of these areas where you have strong opinions or useful experiences. (All questions apply to any gender or sexual orientation unless clearly targeted otherwise)

• What sexual activity did you discover after age 50 that became an important part of your sex life?
• What are the special LGBT issues related to sex & aging?
• How does your or your partner's body image play a role in enjoyment of sex?
• Straight older women are fearful about showing their bodies to a new partner – does that figure into the lesbian or gay male experience at all?
• Is “lesbian bed death” real, or a myth? Do committed relationships tend to become sexless?
• What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
• If you're in a unsatisfying relationship, how do you decide whether to stay or go?
• What prompted a later-life break-up or divorce in your life?
• How did your doctor react when you brought up a sexual concern? Did your doctor ever say something ageist that led you to switch docs?
• If you were having sexual problems, resisted going to a doctor or therapist, then finally did, and there was a treatable explanation for the problem, tell me your story. 
• Your experiences with painful sex? What steps did you take to diagnose and treat the problem? What worked?
• First sex with a new partner: good, bad, worrisome, fabulous...?
• Your experiences with strap-on sex? 
• What helps you with decreased sensation?
• What didn't I ask that I should have?

This isn't a survey -- just choose a question that relates to you in a strong way, and write me your experience. You can either post it as a comment here, or email me privately. By doing either, you're giving me permission to use excerpts in my book if they fit. What you tell me may help others significantly.

If I use your comments in my book, I won't identify you in any way, and I'll be careful to delete any details that might lead someone else to identify you.

I'll continue to update this list when different topics come up.  In case you didn't see my previous request for your comments, check it out here.


Hope to hear from you.


Joan Price

Your Best Senior Sex Tip?

I've been sitting here working on my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, sharing all the best tips I know for enhancing sexual pleasure at our age.

I'll bet you've got some advice yourself for our generation, too. Would you share it with my readers and with our community here?

For example:

• If your body and your sexual responsiveness have changed, what have you discovered to rev up your responses again?
• If it became difficult to communicate with a partner about what one of you needed, how did you break through the impasse?
• If you and your partner stopped having sex, how did you get back on track or make other satisfying arrangements?
• What's the best advice you got from a therapist, sex educator, or medical professional about making lackluster sex better?
• How have you worked around the problems that threatened to derail your sex life?
• What have you done to make solo sex especially enjoyable?
• What have you discovered that you think would help others of our age, too?
• What do you wish you'd done differently?

These topics are just a start. You know what would be helpful to our community.

If you're over 50, partnered or solo, any gender, please share your best tip(s) either by writing a comment on this blog or by emailing me privately if you prefer.

By responding to this request, you're agreeing that I may quote your advice. I won't use your name or identify you in any way. (If you're a sex educator, author, therapist, or medical professional and you want me to use your name, let me know that, and be sure I have all your contact info so I can follow up.)

Thank you!

(Attention comment spammers and site/product promoters: No, this is not your chance to sneak in an oily link to a site or product that I do not endorse. Don't. Even. Try. If you're trying to drum up business by pulling readers to your site or a product that I do not recommend, stop now. Don't make me cranky by causing me extra work checking your links and deleting your comment.)

Your comments invited for my new book

Update: So many of you emailed me after reading "Sharing Body Heat" on Huffington Post that I still need time to answer you. You sent me extraordinary emails -- moving and powerful. Please be patient because I want to send each of you a personal response. Meanwhile, know that everything you write me is read and appreciated. 

I'm continuing to add new questions and topics to this ever-growing list. Even if you read it when it was first posted a while back, see if there's anything new that intrigues you. Thank you! 

Readers over age 50: I'd love your comments for my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, to be published by Cleis Press early in 2015. I'll be addressing the questions, concerns, and topics you've shared with me in the past and continue to share with me. 

I envision this new book as a comprehensive guide to staying sexually vibrant, active, and empowered as your body ages -- and giving you the solid, up-to-date information that will help you deal with the problems that get in your way.

I'd like you involved. I'm seeking thoughtful, illuminating, quotable comments from you on whatever topics matter to you, as long as they have to do with sex after age 50 in all its colors, stripes, and flavors.

This time, instead of presenting reader stories as I did in Naked at Our Age, I'll be using short quotes -- from a couple of sentences to a short paragraph -- from comments you post here or send me directly. I hope you'll get the conversation started by either commenting here or emailing me privately. Your name won't be used, so please be candid. By doing this, you're giving me permission to publish excerpts in my book, without identifying you in any way.

Anything you want to say interests me, and nothing is too weird or outrageous, as long as it's honest. For example:

• What has changed about your sexuality lately? 

• What new attitudes, experiences, techniques, or resources make sex better? 

• What are the myths and stereotypes about older people and sex, and why are they wrong?

• What challenges do you face personally? 

• Which likes and dislikes have changed? 

• How have your relationships grown -- or failed to grow? 

• What do you desire now that would have surprised your younger self?

• If you could change something, what would it be?

• What do you wonder about other people our age?

• What do you wish our society understood about our sexuality?

• What do you wish you understood about your own sexuality?

• What else would you like me to know?

I know people will be interested in what you post here, but if you'd rather tell me privately, email me. I look forward to hearing from you.


7/27-8/17/13 UPDATE: Here are some specifics I'd like to know from people over 50, any gender or sexual orientation. Choose one or two questions that particularly apply to you or interest you, and either comment here or email me a couple of sentences to a paragraph. By doing this, you're giving me permission to publish excerpts in my book. You won't be identified in any way.

If you're in a relationship now:

• How do you keep it sexually vibrant?
• What is interfering with having a satisfying sex life?
• Do you use any of these with your partner: role-playing, reading erotica, watching porn or romantic films, pet names, silly games, sexy games...?
• If your relationship is not sexually vibrant, what's missing?
• Do you consider yourself kinky? What form does that take, and what do you love about it?
• If you and your partner are monogamous, how do you keep sex lively?  
• If you and your partner are nonmonogamous, what went into that decision, and what are your boundaries / rules / agreements?
• How did you meet your partner? How did you know that he/she was special?
• If your relationship is bad, what would make you decide to leave?
• Have you used counseling to improve communication, sex, or other issues? 

If you're not in a relationship now:

• What do/don't you like about being single?
• Do you consider yourself to be in the dating life?
• How do you meet other singles?
• Good, bad, ugly about online dating?
• Do you have or would you accept a "friend with benefits"?
• Do you use safer sex with a new partner? If so, what safer sex precautions to you take? If not, what goes into that decision?
• Describe your worst first date (after age 50).

Whether or not you're in a relationship now:

• What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
• How have sex toys enriched your sexual enjoyment (either solo or partnered)?
• How have your sexual likes & dislikes changed after age 50?
• What would you like to try that you haven't ever done?
• What do you fantasize about, but you wouldn't like to do it in real life?
• What are the special LGBT issues related to sex & aging?
• What didn't I ask that I should have?

I'll continue to update this list when different topics come up. Many thanks! Hope to hear from you.

Joan Price

If you've commented on my blog in the past....

As you read in my earlier post here, I am collecting reader comments to include in my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, to be published by Cleis Press in 2015.



Besides inviting you to contribute comments specifically for The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, I'm going through the responses you've posted here on this blog over the years. I'm excerpting short snippets of your comments to illustrate points and illuminate topics in this book.

You won't be identified in any way, nor will I use any details that might enable anyone to identify you. Please contact me with any questions.

Thank you so much for participating in our community and making this blog a place to exchange ideas, information, experiences, and attitudes. I'm truly moved by your candor and thoughtfulness when you post comments here. Don't stop!

Invitation: What do you want to see in new book?

Here's an inside look at a writer's brain: Every time I finish writing a book, I shout, "There! I've done it! There's nothing more to say!"

 But there always is more to say, more to think about, more to learn, more to teach.

What questions, concerns, and topics related to sex and aging did I not cover in Naked at Our Age, or cover too briefly? What more would you like to know about aging and sexuality in all its colors?

 Yes, I'm thinking about my next book, and I need your input! Brainstorm with me by posting your suggestions. (Though you're welcome to use a fake name, please tell me your real age.)

5/27/13 update: Here are some ideas that followers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page posted, to get you started:

• Do you cover Tantra? Or is that too New Age for "our age"?
• I'd like to know what I can do in my 40s to prepare for the longest, healthiest, most enjoyable sex life possible in the decades that follow. 
• I know you covered some of this in Naked at Our Age but more of how to deal with Sexless Marriage would be real good thanks xxx

What else, readers? Don't worry if your idea seems unconventional or offbeat. If you give me an idea I didn't think of myself, that's very helpful. If you repeat an idea I did think of myself, I know to make sure I'm covering it thoroughly. 

If you'd rather email me your ideas privately with more detail, or if you'd like your experiences included in this book, email me here and put as subject header: "Include in new book."  Thank you!