Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller: book review

"I'm scared people will find out what I masturbate to." -- Donald Glover 

Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. is the book we've all needed, even if we didn't know it. We all have sexual fantasies, but we don't usually share them with others, even our own partners. Many of us agonize about what our fantasies say about us, or we struggle (unsuccessfully) to repress them.

What Is a Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you're awake that ultimately turns you on ... Simply put, a fantasy is a conscious thought that makes you feel all hot and bothered, and maybe gets some blood flowing to your genitals, too.

In this barrier-smashing book, sex researcher Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans, ages 18 to 87, who answered 350 detailed questions about themselves, their sex lives, and their sex fantasies. The result is a solidly researched book that answers questions you probably have, such as these:

• How common is my sex fantasy? 
• Does my fantasy mean that I'm a bad person?
• What sorts of people have fantasies like mine? 
• Should I tell my partner about my fantasy?
• What should I consider before acting out my fantasy?
• What do other people fantasize about? 
• What are the most common fantasies?

My biggest problem reviewing Tell Me What You Want is that it's so good that I don't know how to narrow down what I tell you about it. Look at all these Post-Its! Instead of summarizing or interpreting Lehmiller's points, here are some of them in his own words:

• Multipartner Sex: The results of my investigation reveal that the single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today is -- drum roll, please -- group sex ... perhaps the most normal thing there is to fantasize about because almost everyone has been turned on by the thought of it.
• Men and women are not polar opposites when it comes to their sexual psychology ... most of the things that men fantasize about, women fantasize about as well.
• Our sexual fantasies appear to be carefully designed to meet our psychological needs -- and because those needs change and evolve over our life span, it seems that our sexual fantasies naturally adjust in order to accommodate them. 
• There's a world of difference when it comes to what turns someone on at [different] life stages ... older adults -- especially those in long-term, monogamous relationships -- are more likely to crave something fresh and new ... like an orgy or an open relationship.
• According to my survey data, if there's one specific person who's likely to appear in your sexual fantasies, it's your current romantic partner.
• When we feel ashamed or guilty about what turns us on, it can potentially lead to sexual performance difficulties ... the more negative emotions [survey participants] reported -- things like guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, and disgust -- the more sexual problems they had. 
• When the novelty of a new relationship has worn off, adding new and exciting elements to your sex life by acting on your fantasies can potentially prevent passion from subsiding and allow it to keep burning.

There's more, so much more. Whether you're interested in the world of sex research, or you just want to understand your own sex fantasies better, or you're looking for tips for communicating better with your partner, I know you'll enjoy and learn from Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, as I did.

Justin Lehmiller and I had a conversation about senior sex recently:

We-Vibe Touch and Anniversary Collection

The lovely folks at We-Vibe are celebrating a decade of creating pleasure products, and they sent me their latest products to sample. My favorite from We-Vibe is the Touch: small enough to be an easy travel companion, quiet, yet strong. I love the shape and its versatility -- it's curved to cover much of the vulva for all-over stimulation, or press the cupped area over the clitoris, or point the tip wherever you want it, or combine any or all of these.

The Touch is fabulous to use on the clitoris during partner sex as well as solo, because it doesn't get in the way of two joined bodies. If you enjoy penetrative sex and need extra clitoral stimulation for your journey towards orgasm, this makes it easy and sweet. Add it for extra clitoral stimulation whatever kind of sex you might be enjoying -- penetrative or not.

I had an earlier version of the Touch which I liked, but this one I love. The earlier Touch was made of a shiny silicone -- this one is matte silicone: smooth and slick used with water-based lubricant, which enhances the sensation. It's small, weighs almost nothing, and if you're taking it as your travel companion -- which I recommend -- it takes no room in your carry-on.

The controls are a raised button at the base, easy to find and use during use, though with lubed fingers you may need to press hard. (The two silver things are for charging.) It's completely waterproof -- who needs a rubber ducky in the tub when you have the Touch? It has 8 vibration modes: 4 intensities and 4 patterns, and is surprisingly quiet, rumbly, and decently strong. It comes with a white satin pouch.


To celebrate 10 years, We-Vibe is offering their Anniversary Collection: the newest version of the We-Vibe Sync and the Tango mini-vibrator, both in passion purple in a compact travel case that doubles as a charging station.

We-Vibe Sync is advertised as a couple's vibrator, to be worn during penetrative sex, with the smaller end in the vagina against the G-spot and the larger end stimulating the clitoris. It's smaller and slimmer than earlier versions, and the bend between the two sections is adjustable, which is an improvement. It has an optional remote.

Despite all this, I don't find it comfortable during partner penetration and I prefer to use it solo as a warm-up. Insert it during a shower or bath (it's completely waterproof), or just wear it around the house for a while, vibrating to get the blood flow going to the genitals, and you'll find arousal is faster and orgasm is easier. It can be used other ways and for other erogenous zones, too -- experiment and enjoy!

In a long-distance relationship? Use the We-Connect app to let a partner of your choice anywhere in the world control the vibrations. Or sync the beat to your favorite music. Playtime!

Thank you, We-Vibe, for sending me the Touch and the Anniversary Collection for review. Happy anniversary!

Atom Plus by Hot Octopuss: innovative cock ring

REVIEW OF ATOM PLUS 

by Shamus MacDuff

 Atom Plus by Hot Octopuss is an innovative new cock ring that engages the scrotum as well as the penis. Wearing it requires some practice, some effort, and plenty of lube, but once in place the end result is extremely pleasant.

What sets Atom Plus apart from other cock rings is its direct stimulation of the perineum as well as the penile shaft, creating powerful sensations and more intense orgasms.

The perineum is the nerve-dense area between the genitals and the anus that in most people is highly sensitive. For men it sits above the prostate gland—the proverbial “P-spot”—and excitation of the perineum often produces wonderful prostate sensations without anal penetration.

 The video below makes it appear easy to drop one’s balls through the opening, rotate the device 90 degrees, and then slide the soft penis through to reach “operating position.” However, I found that it took considerable work at first to stretch the Atom Plus’s opening sufficiently to get both of my testicles through.

 After manual stretching alone proved insufficient, I hooked Atom Plus up to a fixed vise handle in my workshop and pulled very strongly against it. That workshop action stretched the opening enough so the “getting-it-on mission” eventually was accomplished, with copious application of water-based lube to my balls and to Atom Plus itself. The more I have used Atom Plus, the easier it has become to get everything in position.

Given its name, I hesitate to use the word “explosive,” but my masturbation with Atom Plus has led to explosive orgasms.The power of these is a combination of perineal and penile stimulation, which Atom Plus accentuates beautifully. These forays are even more dynamic with simultaneous use of Hot Octopuss’s Pocket Pulse. What distinguishes these orgasms from those achieved using either Cobra Libre or the Pocket Pulse alone is the intense excitation of my perineum and “P-spot” as well as the penile shaft.

controls may be slippery

Atom Plus has five different settings, and you’re sure to find one or more that flicks your bic. For me, the second and third settings are dynamite. The second setting gets my penis erect almost instantly with its steady pulsations, while the third setting brings me into P-spot heaven. Try ‘em, you’ll like ‘em!

Although it has two separate motors the Atom Plus is remarkably quiet, emitting only soft, gentle sounds. It is made of silicone and is totally waterproof, so it can be used in the shower and is easy to clean. It charges quickly and holds a charge for a long time. However, the barely raised control buttons are not highly responsive to touch with lubed fingers, and one has to feel around a bit before being able to change settings.

 My female partner and I experimented with Atom Plus in missionary position PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex, but she did not love it. Aligning the small nub on the front of Atom Plus with her clitoris was difficult, and by her report, my gentle thrusting felt like a battering ram because of the hard surface of the Atom Plus.

We tried several different insertion styles (gentle circular motions; partial penis insertion without Atom Plus directly contacting her; extremely slow in-and-out action) but none of these delighted her. She said that she did feel the vibrations produced by Atom Plus, however, and we giggled over her “vibrating vagina.”

While some may find it nice for PIV, Atom Plus works best for me for solo sex, and for that it is a wonderful addition, a definite delight, and highly recommended!


Shamus MacDuff, age 74, was oblivious to the delights of sex toys for penises until about a year ago. He's making up for lost time! Read his other posts here.


Good news: Hot Octopuss is giving readers of my blog a 20% discount on ATOM and ATOM PLUS through September 8, 2018. Use the discount code ATOMJP20 when you complete your order.

Hot Octopuss meets Hot Squid

"Sex after 65" in the news

I'm often complaining that little is known about our age group's sexual behavior and beliefs because no one asks us. So I was delighted to learn that researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 1,002 people between 65 and 80 about their sex lives as part of the National Poll on Healthy Aging 2018. The report, titled "Sex after 65. Health, gender differences, and lack of communication," was released on May 3, 2018.

Here are some of the findings:

• 40 percent of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active.
• 54 percent of those with a partner are sexually active.
• Nearly 2/3 of older adults say they’re interested in sex.
• More than 50% say sex is important to their quality of life.
• 73 percent said they are satisfied with their current sex life.
• 18 percent of older men and 3 percent of older women say they’ve taken medications or supplements to improve sexual function in the past two years.
• Only 17 percent of older adults said they have talked with their doctor or other health care provider about sexual health in the past two years.
• Those between the ages of 65 and 70 were nearly twice as likely as those in their late 70s to be sexually active.
• 50% of men but just 12 percent of women aged 65 to 80 said they were extremely or very interested in sex.

As I read this, I kept asking myself how they defined sex or sexually active or sex lives. Did sex with a vibrator, a partner's hand or mouth, or one's own hand count as sexually active or having a sex life? (I say yes.)  I asked Erica Solway, Ph.D., co-associate director of the poll, who told me,

We did not define sex because we wanted the response to be based on the individual’s definition of what constitutes sex (or their sex life or being sexually active) from their own perspective. We felt this was important, but it does mean that we do not have information on what activities people were referring to when they reported they were or were not sexually active. It’s possible that two people engaged in the same activities may have responded to the questions differently based on their personal definition.

I agree that our own definition of what constitutes sex is important in a study like this -- I applaud this, in fact. But I would have liked that clearer in the poll questions. For example, "Are you currently sexually active?" could have been worded, "Do you engage in sexual activity?" That may sound almost the same, but I have a hunch that many people would interpret the first question as "Do you have sex with a partner?" and the second as "Do you have sex, either with a partner or with yourself?" Asking the question differently would have raised the percentage of people who answered yes to that question, seems to me.

What do you think, readers? Am I off base? How would you interpret the question, "Are you currently sexually active?" (Please answer in the comments section.)

The wording of the questions is a minor quibble, though, because I understand that the poll was multiple-choice, not essay questions, and answered online, not via an interview. In the end, I'm happy that someone's asking.

This report was all over the news. Here are some of the headlines:

• CNN: "Seniors, new poll says, are still sexy after all these years"
• USA Today: "Seniors and sex: Many adults ages 65-80 are having sex (and most are pretty satisfied)" 
•  US News: "Study: Many Adults Ages 65 to 80 Continue to Be Sexually Active" 
• The Guardian: "Sex a key part of life for people over 65, study says"
• Bustle: "The Sex Lives Of People Over 65 Are Thriving, Study Finds, So There's Finally Something to Look Forward To"

As glad as I was to see this study in the news, I couldn't help wondering why the [younger] public is so surprised that we seniors have sex on our minds and in our beds. Why would we give up something so pleasurable? Do they expect that on some predetermined birthday, we'll just say, "Sex? Been there, done that, moving on. Now help me blow out all these candles."

Thank you, University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation, for conducting the study, and AARP and Michigan Medicine, U-M’s academic medical center, for sponsoring it. Let's keep talking.

Vibrator Nation by Lynn Comella

I wonder if there are two types of seniors: those who love their sex-toy shops, and those who haven't discovered yet how wonderful these stores are.

If you're in the second camp because you imagine (or remember from your youth) a dark, seedy, sticky-floored space with leering salespeople, customers wrapped in raincoats, and gaping orifices on the shelves, you're in for a delightful surprise.

In Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure, Lynn Comella, Ph.D. has accomplished a rarity: a peppy, sex-positive history book chronicling the emergence and evolution of feminist sex-toy shops. Written by a researcher, it's far from dry -- well lubricated, rather, by lively interviews with sex-toy shop owners and workers. We learn how the business of pleasure toys evolved to include sex education, inclusivity, and a feminist mission, not just sales.

This is a book about feminist invention, intervention, and contradiction, a world where sex-positive retailers double as social activists, commodities are framed as tools of liberation, and consumers are willing to pay for the promise of better living through orgasms.

Eavesdrop on the conversations and struggles about what a feminist sex-toy store should stand for, what the politics should be, whether or not to sell porn, and if so, how to choose it, how to be education-based and still sell products.

Smitten Kitten, Minneapolis

Learn Jennifer Pritchett's "sweaty sex toy" story. In 2003, the owner of Minneapolis's first feminist sex shop, Smitten Kitten, opened a shipment of toys that degraded and leached greasy, noxious chemicals. This led Pritchett to spearhead the anti-toxic-sex-toy movement. "That's when Smitten Kitten's mission changed from being just another sex-positive, educationally focused feminist sex shop to becoming a business committed to environmental justice and personal health"

Lynn Comella is an associate professor of gender and sexuality studies, a researcher and expert on the adult entertainment industry, a writer on sex and culture. She immersed herself in sex-toy retail culture while researching Vibrator Nation, including selling sex toys at Babeland to get the inside experience. I've had the pleasure of hearing her speak several times, and she's smart and sassy, a delight. This attitude and liveliness is as strong in her writing as in her public speaking.

You'll not only learn about sex-toy stores, you'll also get some cool sex-education quotes. For example:

"A sex-positive person appreciates that human sexuality is endlessly diverse -- there is no right way to have sex and no singular definition of normal." - Lynn Comella

"In those days, when we were discussing vaginal and clitoral orgasms, we used to say that the only people who reliably have vaginal orgasms are men." - Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations.

"When women talk about sex, it changes the culture." - Carol Queen 

"Doing what 'comes naturally' for us is to be sexually inhibited. Sex is like any other skill -- it has to be learned and practiced. When a woman masturbates, she learns to like her own genitals, to enjoy sex and orgasm, and furthermore, to become proficient and independent about it." - Betty Dodson

 "The worst sexual problem we have -- our worst sexual dysfunction... [is] our inability to talk about sex." - Joani Blank

I love today's feminist sex-toy shops. They curate their products carefully for our health and pleasure. They provide sex education to their customers. They believe that sexual pleasure is everyone's right, whatever the age, gender, sexual identity, orientation, kink, needs, desires, abilities, relationship structure, and whatever else should be in this list.

Some of these stores hire me to speak, proving that they agree with my assertion that sex has no expiration date. They advertise on this blog, voting with their wallets to support my educational mission. Please support them in return! You'll find them in the right-hand column of this blog, and yes, you can purchase from them online.

Fun Factory Sex Toys!

Lucky me! I own a toy box of new vibrators from Fun Factory. As the name implies and the photo illustrates, each colorful Fun Factory vibrator has something playful about it.

The shape may be a dolphin, a cuttlefish, a caterpillar, a race car. You can't help laughing as you try to describe it, and I'm sure that's intentional. Sex is fun. Solo sex is fun. Sex with vibrators is fun.

These Fun Factory toys have much in common, so I'm doing a round-up instead of reviewing the toys individually and repeating myself. All are well-made of body-safe, medical-grade silicone and they're waterproof for shower, tub, and pool use. Most charge via a USB magnetic charger, simple as can be, and they hold a charge for a long time. Yes, I have my favorites with unique qualities, and I'll tell you what makes them special.


My top favorite is the Volta. It's delightfully versatile. The curved shape and vibrating tips (I think of them as "flippers") can give pleasure in several ways. For example:

• Nuzzle a clitoris by surrounding the glans (protruding tip of the clitoris) with the flippers.
• Rest the curve of the Volta over the vulva for all-over stimulation.
• Separate the flippers to vibrate the clitoris and the vaginal entrance simultaneously. 
• Cuddle or circle around the head of a penis.
• Stroke the shaft of a penis with the flippers during fellatio. 

The Volta is not only versatile, it's wonderfully strong! Take your choice of 6 intensity levels, oh my, and 6 rhythm patterns. It's rumbly rather than buzzy, which I appreciate.

My second favorite is Patchy Paul (explain that name to me, please), caterpillar shaped including two eyes.* The shape makes it perfect for G-spot penetration, or clitoral pinpointing, or curving over the vulva.

I find most Fun Factory penetrative toys too girthy for pleasure, but Patchy Paul starts narrow  -- 1.1 inch diameter at the tip -- and gradually increases in girth, bloop by bloop, to 1.7 inches in diameter. Unless you like really deep penetration, that widest bloop won't matter. It's also fairly flexible, making it even more comfortable. Like the Volta, you get 6 intensities and 6 rhythm patterns.

Patchy Paul's fake eyes

* A fun fact for you: Many caterpillars have fake eye spots so that predators think they're snakes. Patchy Paul has fake eye spots to make us laugh.

caterpillar with fake eyes

Both Volta and Patchy Paul have ergonomic loop handles -- no wrist twisting required, and no problem with lubed fingers. Besides solo use, the long shape and tapered ends make them work between bodies to add clitoral stimulation during partnered penetrative sex.

You can't choose between them? If you like simultaneous clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration and you can budget for both, double your pleasure by using Volta on the clitoris and Patchy Paul vaginally. Wowza. Of course you can do that with any two sex toys that fit your needs -- I'm not saying you have to buy two new products for this experience. But Volta and Patchy Paul work especially well as a team, thanks to the shapes -- they don't get in the way of each other.



If you prefer a smaller vibrator and you don't need the turbo power I prefer, the adorable Cayona or Diva Dolphin might be just right for you.

The shape of Cayona is designed for both penetration and clitoral stimulation via the bump, but the dimensions weren't right for me (we're all different), plus the penetrative part felt too thick, and the vibrations were buzzier than my personal preference. Sure love the color, though!

Size comparison
Cayona & Patchy Paul 

The Diva Dolphin was more comfortable for insertion, tapering gradually. It can take batteries (no charging necessary), or if you prefer rechargeable, upgrade with Fun Factory's hybrid kit. It has 4 speeds and 6 patterns. A good product, but I was spoiled by the Volta.



Cobra Libre II is a popular penis vibrator. It's designed to envelop and vibrate the head of the penis, the most sensitive area for most penis owners. Experiment with how you like to hold it and use it. MacDuff, my penis-owning reviewer, tells me:

I used lube on just my penis at first and although it felt good, it didn't get me to orgasm. The next time, I added a generous amount of lube inside the Cobra Libre, and woo! That made it possible to slightly thrust in and out, all the while being stimulated by vibrations. I discovered that for me, the toy works best held in what seems like an upside down position, as that better follows the upward curve of my erection. Whee! Full orgasm. Knocked me out.

Anything to criticize about Fun Factory sex toys? Only that they come without pouches. Sturdy boxes, yes, but who has room to store boxes? Dear Fun Factory, couldn't you include one of your sweet  Tyvek zipped toybags?

I love the Karim Rashid Toybag, which makes a great gift, by the way. This toybag is so cute and durable that I use it to carry favorite vibrators, lube, and condoms when I travel.


Always use water-based lubricant with Fun Factory products. They can be damaged by oils and creams, so be careful with other substances on your body such as sunscreen, Fun Factory warns.

⇒ SPECIAL 10% DISCOUNT ⇐

My readers get 10% off all Fun Factory products with the code JOANPRICE. Go to Fun Factory using this link or any of the links in this post. Explore. Choose. Use the coupon code JOANPRICE at the bottom of your shopping cart, before clicking checkout. Fun Factory is so eager to introduce you to the pleasures of their products that you can continue to use this discount code on all future orders until 4/14/2020. (Please note that this coupon cannot be combined with other offers.)

Thank you, Fun Factory, for sending me these joyous sex toys in return for an honest review. Take a look at all their products -- you'll smile at the shapes and colors, and I'm sure you'll find one that's just right for you. And don't forget to use your discount code.

See my past reviews of other Fun Factory favorites:

• Stronic G Pulsator II
• Amorino: a twisted sex toy

Volta and Patchy Paul repose
after fun in the shower

I Asked, You Answered, Part 1

In a recent newsletter, I asked my subscribers these seven questions:

1. If you're in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?

2. If you're in a relationship that's less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?

3. If you're single or non-monogamous and dating, what is your safer sex policy? How do you discuss this with a new partner?

4. In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you'd like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?

5. What's the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, "You're the kind of person I want to go to bed with -- but not the kind of person I want to wake up with."

6. What would you like to learn about sex and aging this year?

7. What else should I have asked?

I got such a huge response to Question #1 that I'm devoting the rest of this post to excerpts from your answers. A later post will address the other 6 questions. (You're welcome to add your answers to questions 2-7 in the comments or by emailing me here.)


* My wife and I married in 1968. I believe that sexual satisfaction comes from sexual growth through constant trial and error experimentation. This leads to a constantly evolving sex life. We must be willing to try new things as long as no one is being hurt. Some will be good experiences and some bad. Keep the good and discard the bad. If we're afraid of making a mistake and have a high aversion to risk, we automatically limit our chances of succeeding or improving.

* At 55, we've been married almost 33 years. Both partners need to actively choose to keep their relationship spicy and active. Both have to be honest and frank about their desires. Don’t be freaked out if you disagree on what you’d like to do. Just treat it like every other issue you’ve disagreed on through the years: listen, suggest, compromise, and give it time.

* I am 70 and my wife is 66, married for over 50 years. Somewhere we lost the spark. I had been taking meds that affected my erection or lack of. Intercourse was impossible. Then I got a penis pump that Medicare paid for. The thing looked unromantic and embarrassing to use, but with the help of "Sucker Sam," I got an erection that I could maintain and have intercourse. Now my wife really wants sex with me! She wears sexy outfits, we turn on mood lighting and music, smoke some medical herb, and break out the massage cream. We are having the best sex of our lives. I think the real key to all this is the extreme intimacy we both experience. As we put it, "Our souls touch."

* Schedule sexual intimacy, and persistently but gently keep to the schedule, because at our age our hormones are no longer adequate to propel us spontaneously towards sexual activity.

* We're 74, and for the last 15-20 years we have not felt the need to spice things up to maintain our sexual interest. Sex for us is about celebrating our being together, being alive with each other, and our deep caring and love for each other. We have a ritual that involves perhaps 20 minutes of foreplay leading to a few minutes up to 10 or so of intercourse, with strong orgasms for both of us. At the end it's less about physical pleasure  and more the elation of saying we are still here, we can still express our love physically, and isn't that incredible?

* We are in our early 70s, married for over 50 years. Despite our many physical limitations, we have found ways to have an active and fulfilling sex life by using advice we have read in our sex library: sex toys, positioning pillows, timing taking of meds, and planning early morning encounters before meals interfere and energy sags. Two years ago we decided to focus on improving our sex lives from mediocre to more active, frequent and satisfying. We found a saying, "A better sex life does take some work. Couples who put effort into their sex lives have stronger relationships." We assembled a library of sex related books (we have all of yours!) and spent much time studying and discussing them. There is so much information available today that was not just a few years ago.

* We began using sex toys (I like that you call them "tools" which is really what they are) and Liberator positioning pillows. We decorated our bedroom to provide a better romantic atmosphere. We found that the more you have sex, the more you want it and your body will adjust to enable it. We learned from our reading  that when physical problems develop (sexual or otherwise), there are methods to help overcome and improve the deficiencies and this gives us confidence, which helps to keep the sexual union relaxed and enjoyable. Also exercise and diet and general good health habits are important. We are having the best time and only regret that we did not make sex more of a priority before.

* At 60, I have found that the best thing is to continue to put the other partner first. In every matter, not just the sensual. I know that if I put my woman's needs, wants, and desires before my own, that I will be well rewarded by a partner who feels the same way.

* I am a T2 diabetic, and neuropathy is robbing me of my sensitivity "down there." We talked about the Pulse you reviewed -- this opened the lines of communication. Push the limits of your sex life outside the box. Keep pushing your comfort zone. Don't let 'age' stop you from experimenting and exploring. You'll be surprised at what you can do, and feel, even at our age.

* Ask your partner if they would like to try new things, like toys or role playing. For instance, I asked my wife if she would like to spank me. This thought had never occurred to her. She considered spanking as a punishment, not as playful foreplay. We discussed how hard to strike (sensual spanking should sting a little, not leave welts), what areas of the body to spank (only the buttocks and upper thighs), and how long before the safe word came out (I always quit right after the orgasm). After a couple of trial and error sessions, she found that she enjoys playfully spanking me, as I enjoy spanking her. There is no punishment meant on either side; this is meant for playful pleasure.

* As my husband and I worked to overcome a crisis in our marriage, one thing that truly helped me ease off all the pressure I was putting on him was your writings, Joan, on Facebook and your newsletter. To read an expert telling me that masturbation was REAL sex; oral sex was REAL sex; sex with sex toys to enable us to orgasm was REAL sex? Holy shit. I realized I was having quite a bit of REAL sex, and I didn’t recognize it. I thought that because I couldn’t orgasm with intercourse anymore (it was never easy), or because sometimes I had to finish myself off alone, after 20 minutes of my husband doing everything in his power to make me come, that our sex life was deficient and substandard. How sad is that?! Two people who love the hell out of each other, are utterly compatible and fit together like puzzle pieces, thinking that they’re defective because their sex life didn’t fit the old notion of what “sex” was. I thought we were all wrong. You said we were right. In doing so, you freed me from feeling inadequate, broken, defective and damaged. My mental state, my physical state, and above all, my husband and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.


Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!