Private Gym: Kegels for men -- with penis weights!

I've stressed the importance of pelvic floor (AKA Kegel) exercises for both male and female anatomies, but I admit that I haven't given as much focus to male bodies. Now there's a complete exercise program for male pelvic muscle training -- Private Gym -- including weight training for the penis!

Stronger pelvic muscles give you more blood flow to the penis, stronger and more rigid erections, better urinary and rectal control, and stronger orgasms and ejaculatory force. Like any other muscles, they respond to strength training. Private Gym offers both a "basic" ($59.99) and a "complete" ($99.99) training program, both with free shipping.

Both include a DVD, an instruction manual, and a book, Male Pelvic Fitness: Optimizing Sexual & Urinary Health. The book presents a ton of anatomical and sexual function information, plus cool factoids that you can throw out at a sex-positive dinner party, such as what "phallocarps" are and which animal ejaculates 4-5 gallons of semen.

This program lets you learn and practice the step-by-stem program with a follow-along DVD. It's very well done, with clear illustrations and explanations. (I would have preferred it without the background music, though, which I found repetitive and distracting.)

The difference between the programs? The basic gives you a 4-week, progressive, step-by-step program.  It's good, especially for pelvic floor training beginners.

However, I recommend the complete program, which includes the basic plus additional exercises and 4 weeks of resistance training, which you do with the included weights. (Only the complete program includes the weights.)

Yes, weights. You put the weighted ring on your penis and perform the squeeze-release exercises (both slow and rapid) along with the DVD. As your pelvic muscles strengthen, you can add the additional weight which attaches magnetically. You'll need a rigid erection (with or without medication) in order to use the weights. (You don't need a rigid erection for the basic program.)

I know, penis weights may seem like a gimmick. But they're not, I assure you. Don't take my word for it -- here's what my 57-year-old male tester had to say:

It’s great. It takes you through the things you can do to build up those muscles. This program with your choice of a male or female voice tells you exactly how, when, and for how long, and gives you a signal that makes it so much easier. It’s like the reason you hire a fitness trainer – sure, you can lift weights on your own, but a trainer helps you.

 The book is great because it talks about why you’re doing this and gives background information, in easy to understand terms.  

When you get more advanced, you can use the weight system. The weights are comfortable, easy to slip on, and they work.  

The whole program is well thought out, and very easy and comfortable to use. It’s a great system. I think it would benefit just about anybody. 

I was having trouble with getting erections. Using this program, my erections became as firm on their own as when I was using Viagra! 

Thank you, Private Gym, for sending me this program for my tester and me to review. This is a powerful tool, especially the complete program, because the weights can make a huge difference.

Because the Private Gym folks know how this program will benefit our age group, they are offering readers of this blog a whopping 25% discount. Just type the coupon code Joan25 in the coupon box when you order. I hope you try it. Stick with the program and let us know how it goes.

Are you a senior who dates? Or wants to?

One of my most popular workshops is "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?" As seniors, newly single or maybe seems-like-forever single, we face special challenges trying to connect for love, sex, intimacy, companionship, friendship, social activities, or some combination of these. Whenever I speak to audiences over 50, 60, 70+, some of the most common questions I'm asked are these:

1. How do I meet someone? (This question is asked 90% of the time.)
2. Do I have to tell the truth about my age?
3. How do I write an online dating profile?
4. Why do I get (a) no responses from online dating; or (b) lots of responses from the wrong people?
5. How do I find out early on if a potential date will want to be sexual without coming across as creepy/ slutty/ scary?
6. If I have a first date with someone I don't want to see again, is it ok to just "disappear" and ignore future messages from this person?
7. How do I handle rejection?

Each of these questions needs and deserves more space than part of a blog post to answer -- except for #2 (yes, please, even though most people don't) and #6 (no, craft a simple and kind message about not being a match, no need to explain why).

I discuss dating at length in my newest book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, including much of the information and tips from my workshop. I've also written more than 60 blog posts on dating -- start here and keep selecting "older posts" when you scroll down to the bottom of the displayed posts.  If you'd like me to write a more detailed post answering any of the questions above, or a new question, please write your request as a comment on this post.

I'm happy to see that other online resources address senior dating. Dating Senior Men is a lively and often instructive blog about dating and sex by Sienna Jae Fein, an over-60 widow.

 DatingAdvice.com, which offers advice from dating experts, has a section especially for seniors. For example, DatingAdvice.com's "5 Senior Dating Rules You HAVE to Follow" suggests ways that you can get out and be active in the dating world. I would add to this brief article that even if you don't "meet someone" doing these activities, you'll have a fuller, richer, more enjoyable life. Then when you do meet someone in the future, you'll come across as fulfilled and active, which is much more appealing than seeming depressed and desperate.

I was delighted when DatingAdvice.com wanted to review my new book and interview me in an article by Hayley Matthews titled
“The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50″: Joan Price’s Groundbreaking Book. “Our sexuality isn’t just about what happens when our genitals connect, or try to," I'm quoted as saying. "It weaves into how we feel about ourselves and our bodies, what we want from our next relationship, what we learned from our last one(s). So yes, the information about dating, solo sex and sex with a new person are all part of what we may go through as we age.”

(Several writers have sent me their books about senior dating, and I keep intending to do a roundup of these. Forgive me, writers -- so many projects, so little time. I'll let you know when I catch up.)

Thank you, DatingAdvice.com, for use of the images in this post.

Womanizer Clitoral Stimulator: Clitoral suction!

The Womanizer from LoveHoney.com is a sex toy that sucks your clitoris -- and that's a rock-your-world sensation!


Let's get this part out of the way first, though -- this is the ugliest, tackiest looking sex toy that has ever graced my nightstand. It looks like a design by sixth graders assigned to figure out what a girly ear thermometer might look like. It's a garish shade of fuschia, with animal print decoration. The "+" button is a fake jewel.

And the name --  Womanizer. Seriously?

And yet... it's wonderful! This magical sex toy isn't quite a vibrator, although it does vibrate. The essence of its power is suction. Position it so that the silicone attachment surrounds the nub of the clitoris, turn it on, and waves of gentle suction tug around the clitoris. It's an exquisite feeling. And yes, the rhythmic suction does lead to orgasm. Oh yes, it does.

This might be a deal breaker for you: it's very expensive, about $200. (Yes, it should be less ugly for that price.) But if the idea of having your clitoris gently and rhythmically sucked for as long as you want makes you squirm, save up for it. It's worth it. And if you don't love it, LoveHoney.com is that rare sex toy retailer that offers your money back, whatever your reason for returning it, as long as it's within the first year. Read their return policy here.

The Womanizer charges via USB, so there are no cords to wrestle with while you're using it.  It comes in a hard case in an unattractive shade of bubble gum pink.

The silicone part that nibbles and sucks your clitoris comes off for easy cleaning, and there's an extra in the case in case you need it. One caveat -- the manual says that you can use silicone lubricant, but you cannot. The tip, which is the part you need lubed, is silicone, so use  water-based lubricant with it.

Bottom line -- Give me that clitoral suction sensation -- I love it. I can get past ugly by closing my eyes.

Thank you, LoveHoney.com, for sending me the Womanizer.

SensaVox and Lula Noir Kegel Balls reviewed by David Pittle

ElectraStim SensaVox and Lula Noir Kegel Balls:
 Electro-Stimulation Sex Toys

Guest post by David M. Pittle, Ph.D., M.Div

Erotic Electro-stimulation is the new wave of sex toy. It takes the TENs unit that physicians, chiropractors,  and physical therapists have used for many years and with some modification, applies that to the exquisite nerve-endings of our erogenous areas.

This is new territory for many people. If you’re new to Electro-stimulation, read my earlier post -- “EroticElectro-Stimulation—Reviews of ElectraStim Flick and Erostek ET232” -- for some background information.

Recently, Hella Walkington from ElectraStim, one of the premier providers of electro-stimulation, contacted me about doing an independent review of two new products: the Silicone Noir probes and the SensaVox Stimulator/Power Box. I enlisted my loyal cadre of testers, three men and three women, and we went into action.

 The SensaVox (pictured above) was a source of pleasure for all my testers. For male bodies, it can be used with penis bands and prostate stimulators. Each man tried the box with the penis rings, anal probe and sticky electrodes. Each woman used both probes and electrodes.

The results were amazing. All my testers praised the new Sensavox. Here’s what they loved:

• The box has a wide variety of pulse patterns and intensities.
• It has several new features like the Boost button which gives an extra burst of energy.
• There are two channels so you can have one set of electrodes stimulating one location and a second set stimulating another. For example, an anal probe can be plugged into one channel while two electrodes can be attached to send pulses through the penis and perineum.

Aura probe

The SensaVox has a much greater range than the previously reviewed EM60. It begins with very gentle stimulation but goes up from there slowly until it enters the stratosphere. Even at its highest intense settings, it’s still a pleasurable kind of pulse form and pattern.

The probes are aesthetically pleasing, Matte black with unobtrusive holes for the small pin plugs, they are gentle and soft to the touch, perfect for the sensitive skin of the vulva or anus. The Aura Multi-Probe felt comfortable entering. It took a higher level of stimulation for the tester to experience pleasure. Reinserting with the leads perpendicular to the g-spot location afforded more sensation for the female-bodied testers.

The Silicone Noir Lula Electro Kegel Balls probe provided the peak of pleasure for the women who tested them. Lula consists of two small balls, one of which is tightly captured in an upper sphere of black silicone. There is a short neck and at the other end another enveloping sphere with another ball. The second ball is loose inside and it reacts to the pulses and patterns from the stimulator. With the moving balls providing vibrations, each of the women reported the absolute pleasure of this probe.

Lula is being used as a Kegel exerciser by many women. With the proper depth of insertion and combination of e-stim, Lula can aid in developing the pelvic floor muscles. 

These are just two of the five Silicone Noir probes available. In retrospect I wish I had requested the Silicone Noir Sirius Prostate Massager and the Silicone Noir Ovid G-Spot Dildo as well. They look like they are designed with pleasure in mind!

There is much to like in the ElectraStim line of products. They are user friendly in small ways:

• They use the standard connector for cables to plug into the Stimulator/Power box. This connector has advantages over the less expensive but often used 3.5mm plug.
• They use pin plugs at the electrode ends of the cable. This is less messy and, in the midst of passion, simpler than banana plugs or snap connectors. Sticky electrodes are less expensive if they come with pin plug connectors. 
• I have found ElectraStim customer service to be very responsive. 

If you haven’t yet decided to try e-stim, you are missing a delightful option in your sex life. E-stim should be as ubiquitous as the vibrator. It provides a level of sexual stimulation that is hard to match in a simpler sex toy. While the cost of entry can be daunting, ElectraStim and others provide an entry level power unit for a reasonable price. The probes, penis bands, and sticky electrodes are comparable to other dildo prices.  If you have a little income to spare, you probably can’t do better than the SensaVox. But, if you need to watch the finances more closely, the EM-80 dual-channel or the EM-60 are also good options.

If you are loving yourself, give yourself a gift of the Sensavox. If you also have a partner to love, find the e-stim toys that will bring you together “magnetically.”

ElectraStim is offering our readers a 10% discount by using the code "BTIEE" at ElectraStim's website.

David M. Pittle, Ph.D., M.Div., is a therapist in San Rafael, CA, who has been helping people with sexual issues for over thirty years. Many of his clients are age 50-80, when good sex is important, and dissatisfaction may lead to loss of shared intimacy that can threaten the total relationship. David specializes in helping women who are not experiencing sexual satisfaction and men with non-medical and medically-related erectile dysfunction or other issues. Visit his website here.

(I am sad to tell you that my friend, sex therapist David Pittle died December 2017. We value his sex toy reviews. Read his other reviews here.)

Daring to Date Again by Ann Anderson Evans

3/11/15 update: This Sunday, March 15, I'll have the pleasure of being on a panel with Ann Anderson Evans called "Never Too Late to Date" at the Tucson Festival of Books. I'm moving this post, originally published 11/13/14, to the top so that you all know about Ann's book and our discussion of safer sex:

When a sixty-year-old, twice-divorced woman starts to date again, she's not pinning her hopes on an invitation to the prom. She is financially stable and professionally creditialed. She is a matriarch, a pillar of her church, a member of a choir. She has children and neighbors who might disapprove. She has a lot at stake.

So begins Daring to Date Again, a lusty memoir by Ann Anderson Evans about looking for romp-in-the-hay partners after 12 years of celibacy.

Evans is smart, sassy, articulate, and a darned good writer, pulling you right into her adventures. You’ll laugh, empathize, and sometimes worry as she jumps into bed with her Mr. Right-for-the-Moment parade. She wears her heart on her sleeve—or she wears nothing at all—and we share her adventures, her thoughts, her desires, and her evolution from repressed and unhappy to evolved, sexy, and joyful.

Evans finds many men who are interested in having no-strings sex with her, but towards the end of the book, she wonders whether true love even exists -- and if so, where is it hiding? I'm not ruining the book by telling you that she meets Terry -- a fellow professor and a bachelor at 63. They fall in love and marry. But that's not until the last chapter!

I enjoyed this well-written book, and I recommend it to you, whether you're exploring sexual possibilities yourself or you just want to share her escapades vicariously.

However! As a safer-sex advocate, I was concerned because there was no mention of safer sex or any discussions of condom use with the men Evans bedded. I questioned her -- no, they never used protection. Then I challenged her to explain her decision(s). She wrote this to me:

Joan chided me for not mentioning safe sex in Daring to Date Again. Logic suggests that simply interrogating a man regarding his sexual health is not sufficient protection, but that is what I relied upon. Why was I more concerned about cleaning the chopping block after cutting up chicken than about having unprotected sex? Why would I maintain the prophylactic habits of regular dental visits and colonoscopies, and yet have unprotected sex? Good question, Joan.

Indulgence was part of it. Pregnancy had been such a persistent worry when I was a young woman that having sex spontaneously was a joy. It was like winning the lottery.

Growing up in the 50s and 60s, I was taught either nothing or nonsense about sex. The bogus teachings were embedded in religion. “Chastity is the cement of civilization,” I read in the Christian Science scriptural companion, the Science & Health, when I was a student in a Christian Science college. I closed that book and have never reopened it.

The nonsense of the times I grew up in was also embedded in school. My only sex education was a couple of gender-divided classes in 7th grade that explained menstruation twinned with the unforgettable fact that when we brushed our teeth we should also be careful to brush our tongues. I was stunned when I got pregnant at 18. I thought I had to want to become pregnant in order to be so.

Between the church and school, I felt manipulated, demeaned, and endangered. Many of those who matured in the 60s rose up in mighty defiance of the bullying traditions of ignorance. In answering Joan’s challenge, I am surprised at my resurgence of anger when I think back.

Perhaps unconsciously, I placed barrier protection during sex in the basket which also included the bogus virtues of chastity, heterosexuality, sitting primly with your legs crossed, wearing a girdle, avoiding nudity, and virginity upon marriage. These virtues are so often ignored that they can only be seen as vacuous wishes. My failure to protect myself was a visceral, instinctive, and senseless act of defiance.

I take responsibility for my own actions, but it would have been helpful if the doctors (including gynecologists) had asked me if I was sexually active during that time. One general practitioner did ask me, and when I told him I had had sex with four men within the last two years he sidestepped the issue, saying, “I think you should talk to your gynecologist about that.”

I sympathize with the doctors. Discussions of sex with patients are probably minefields of religion, politics, family tradition, and personal history. But the medical profession has obviously given up the fight. How often do you see an ad for condoms displayed in your doctor’s office alongside the latest drug for depression or high blood pressure?

I felt embattled during my three years of promiscuity. Not one of the men I was involved with ever mentioned using a condom. If any of them had one in their pocket, they didn’t mention it. Joan might be better equipped to say whether men are just as likely as women to insist on condom use. In my experience, this has not been the case.

The problem of unprotected sex is far more pervasive than that of a single American raised before the Enlightenment. Our failure to identify and rectify the sociological, psychological, historical, and political reasons why people do not use condoms or other barriers has guaranteed that AIDS and other STDs continue worldwide. Saying the answer is education is simplistic. Why we don’t use them is baffling. The reason begins in the outside world of church, school, family, and government policy and all of these play themselves out in the bedroom.

Thank you, Ann, for your eloquent explanation. I can't help hoisting my 4'10" self up onto my soapbox again to remind my readers: Have all the fun you want, but please have it safely!

Listen to Evans read an excerpt from Daring to Date Again here.

Female Desire Pill, interview with Ellen Barnard

2/27/15 update: I interviewed Ellen Barnard about the female desire pill on 2/2/14. I'm bringing this post to the top because of the attention that "Nothing Is Wrong With Your Sex Drive" (published today in the New York Times) is getting. 

I plan to write more about this myself, and there's a good section already in The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life which I hope you'll want to read. -- Joan 

Desire in a pill? 

(originally published 2/2/14)

Researchers are working on drugs to treat low desire in women. Could a desire pill really work? Do we even want it? 

To learn more, I interviewed one of the top sex educators, Ellen Barnard, co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center.

JP: What’s the state of current research into a female desire drug?

EB: A variety of drugs are being investigated in clinical trials, most in phase 2 trials. No drug has been approved for the treatment of low desire for women, also known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).  See this summary of the current state of the research.

JP: How are these drugs supposed to work?

EB: Some of these drugs work on brain chemicals; some are sex hormone-based (testosterone); others primarily work to increase physical arousal through an increase in blood to the clitoris. Most of the medications that are being investigated are designed to either overcome inhibition or lack of motivation, or flood the person with such strong physical sensations that she cannot ignore them easily. Or they manipulate the reward system of the brain in ways that increase the drive toward that sexual jackpot.

The question is whether a drug that pushes a woman into being more interested in sex is safe, healthy, or would even be effective over the long term. Many of the drugs being investigated have a variety of side effects, and some are quite undesirable. Testosterone can cause excess hair growth, acne, lowering of the voice, and a decrease in good cholesterol, for example. Other drugs show the potential for abuse, either by the woman herself or by a partner who hopes to have a more willing lover.

JP:  Why is sexual desire so complicated for women and seemingly so easy for men?

EB: It isn't, actually. Men have troubles with desire too, and their issues have many of the same origins as women's do. However, we live in a culture that reinforces men for a high interest in sex, and generally does not see a high interest in sex to be a positive thing in women, unless a woman is less interested in sex than her partner, and that lower interest causes tension between them or distress in her. But even with culture condoning high desire for men, approximately 20% experience low desire. For more info, here isa good overview. 

JP: How does female desire work?

EB: Desire is the cognitive recognition of sexual interest. So it's an idea, not a physiologic process, though it results in a combination of brain and body responses. Desire may be first recognized as a thought, or it may be a thought in response to a physical feeling. Many women believe that we should feel something first, that sex starts with a twinge in the vulva or elsewhere in the body, that she interprets as sexual interest and then allows to blossom into more sexual interest and then maybe into sexual activity. If physiologic signal is not as obvious because of aging, health, or stress, she may no longer get the signal, and so she does not notice the thought.

Women who have experienced sex as painful have a feedback loop that tells them that sex will hurt, and so they shut off any thought of sex to avoid the pain. If a woman is able to get rid of the pain, she will still have to convince her subconscious that sex is safe. Once she does that, her thoughts of sexual interest often become more frequent.

The same would be true of relationship health. For a woman in a healthy, rewarding relationship, the thought of sex is a safe thought and is likely to mean that she will experience pleasure if she acts on that thought, so she pursues sexual activity. Sex requires the feeling of safety. When there is tension, distrust, fear, anger, etc., the mind does not perceive sex as safe or pleasurable, so will not express desire.

When you think about how complicated desire is for women (and men as well), you can see that it's pretty complicated to consider a medication to address the root causes of most of these issues.

JP: What’s the bottom line?

EB: The bottom line is that drugs do best when there is a single, knowable cause for a symptom and the drug directly addresses that cause by reducing or removing it. Sexual desire is complicated, varies a lot from person to person, and has many moving parts. The idea that a drug could be developed to change desire is pretty far-fetched once you understand it that way, and one of our biggest fears is that you end up with a drug that has pretty wide effects and some nasty, unintended side effects.

We would prefer to address desire issues in ways that give individuals more control and more understanding of their mind and body connections so that they can do their own problem-solving and not be reliant on a pill or a doctor. Most people can increase their experience of desire through a combination of getting healthy, having a good body image, having a safe and trusting intimate relationship, getting enough sleep, lowering stress and distractions, reducing pain, and learning how to have pleasurable sexual experiences on a regular basis.

A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center

"How we write about love depends on how old we are"

Brian Rea for The New York Times

"How we write about love depends on how old we are," observes Daniel Jones in his Modern Love column in The New York Times, Feb. 5, 2015. He explains:

The young overwhelmingly write with a mixture of anxiety and hope. Their stories ask: What is it going to be for me?

Those in midlife are more often driven to their keyboards by feelings of malaise and disillusionment. Their stories ask: Is this really what it is for me?

And older people almost always write from a place of appreciation, regardless of how difficult things may be. Their message: All things considered, I feel pretty lucky.

This last point hit home with me. As a sex educator, I hear people's problems all the time. But I also hear the good parts -- the humor and joy and sweetness of what happens when we love at our age. Those of us who are lucky enough to have found love at this time of our lives are radiant with joy telling our love stories -- even if that joy is tempered with the sadness of loss.

I know I feel that way. On this Valentine's Day, I'm remembering how my dear Robert made Feb. 14 a true celebration of love for seven years with gifts, cards, whispered endearments, languid lovemaking, and lots of laughter.

As sad as I am that I will never hold Robert again on Valentine's Day or any other day, that feeling has nowhere near the power of the joy I feel that this love was in my life. It feels like a miracle that we ever found each at all, let alone so late in life.

Joan and Robert 2001

What if he had never wandered into my line dance class that eventful night? We might never have met, never have crossed paths.

What if I hadn't been assertive (aggressive?) about making the first moves? He was content to see me as his dance teacher (which in itself is bizarre, since he had formal training as a dancer since the age of two, and I had no formal training at all), and he thought that was an uncrossable boundary.

What if I hadn't dared to proposition him? (You didn't know that part of our story? Read it in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty!)

What if we had never realized one of the most important themes of our love story: that the ways we were the most different were the ways we most wanted to grow.

You see, at first, we saw our personality clashes and independence as proof that we were too different to ever come together as a couple -- it would be too much work, too many compromises, and besides, we were satisfied with the way we were, thank you very much.

Robert and Joan 2006

But over the few years we had together, this attitude changed. The closer we got, the more we came to respect our differences -- even laugh about them -- and the less we felt we needed to resist change. In fact, we discovered that compromise led to change in directions we each wanted to grow.

Once we saw our differences as an opportunity to grow in ways that would be as good for us individually as they were good for us as a couple, we stopped resisting, reframed what we were willing to do for each other, and we blossomed together and apart.


What did you learn about love and about yourself in later life? I hope you'll share your experiences.