Do you have an Advance Directive for Sexual Rights?

When do we lose the right to sexual expression? If we’re lucky enough to be active and independent now, we’re smart enough to realize that a time may come that we no longer can live on our own. What will you want for yourself? For your loved ones? How can you make sure that your wishes are respected?

Take some time to think about these ideas and questions:

• When do we lose the right to sexual expression?
• Does our right to sexual expression end if/when we can no longer live independently? If so, why?
• Who determines whether we can still express ourselves sexually, and by what guidelines do they make that decision?
• Do elders with dementia have the right to sexual expression? Who decides that, and on what basis?
•  If staff members have a different personal belief about what’s appropriate sexual behavior (or non-behavior), do their values override our own?
• If family members are uncomfortable with us having a sexual relationship, should their wishes supersede ours?

As uncomfortable as this might seem, I suggest you write down your personal policy about your right to sexual expression in your later years: an Advance Directive for Sexual Rights, let's call it. Then  share it with your loved ones. Just because you might be unable to voice your wishes when the time comes doesn’t mean you no longer have those wishes.

Personally, I want the right to decide when and how I want to be touched sexually -- whether by my own hand, a partner I've chosen, or a sex toy that they'd better not pry out of my arthritic hands -- for the rest of my life. Don't you?

If I end up living in a care facility, I imagine I won't submit to rules easily, unless they are as progressive as the Hebrew Home at Riverdale (NY), which has had a sexual rights policy since 1995, and updates it periodically. Until other homes catch up, it's up to us to make our wishes clear.

Have you written your Advance Directive for Sexual Rights? Here's a working draft of mine:

• Make sure I have an outlet and batteries to keep my sex toys in working order.
• Do not interfere with any warm connection I may be enjoying with any companion I choose, in any way I choose to express that connection.
• If I’m involved with a sexual partner, make sure I have easy access to safer sex protection.
• When I close the door—whether I’m alone or with another person—give me privacy.
• If I’m still capable of sharing information about senior sexuality with residents and or staff, provide me with opportunities to do that.

What are yours?

[Excerpted from The Ultimate Guide to Sex after FiftyHow to Maintain - or Regain - a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life by Joan Price]

You and Your Boomer/ Senior Parent: Talking about Safer Sex

Do you have a parent who is out in the dating world? If so, this post is for you. This blog is normally aimed at folks age 50, 60, 70 and beyond. But right now I'd like to talk to the adult children of Boomers and seniors who are dating new people. My questions to you:

• Have you talked to your parent about safer sex? 
• If so, how did that conversation go? 
• If not, was it because you didn't dare, didn't want to, or didn't have the words?

Arti Patel

First, a little background. I was interviewed extensively in "Seniors have sex – and the STI rates to prove it" by Arti Patel for Global News. This article addressed the rising rates of STIs among seniors in Canada, the reasons behind the rise, and what we can do about it. Patel wrote,

Joan Price, sex advocate and author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, says the reason why the community has high STI rates is simple: they’re not using condoms.

After this article came out, Kelly Cutrara interviewed me about this topic on Talk Radio AM 640 in Toronto. (I apologize for the call quality -- the interview request was too fast to get to my landline.) She asked me how the younger generation can talk to their single parents about safer sex. How do they get beyond the embarrassment? What words can they use? What if their good intentions backfire?

I suggested that this approach might begin the conversation:

"I know it's incredibly awkward to talk about sex with my parent, but Mom [Dad], we need to do this. What do you know about safer sex? Are you using condoms?" 

[Parent:] "What? Why are we having this conversation?" 

"Because no one else will, and I care about you. I know that STI rates are rising among your age group. I want to make sure you're protected." 

If you have been at either end -- Boomer/senior parent or adult child -- of a similar conversation, what did you say? What was the outcome? Or if you have another idea about how this discussion should go, we'd all like to know your thoughts.

Please share by posting a comment here, and include your age. (If you have trouble posting, email me with your comment and the name you'd like to use -- it doesn't have to be yours -- and your age, and I'll post it for you.)  Let's get this discussion going.

Sex without Penetration: A Man’s View

The day after my first “Great Sex Without Penetration” webinar, I received this email from an attendee:

"How is it possible for a 69-year-old woman and a 72-year-old man to enjoy 3 continuous hours of non-stop sex and joyful lovemaking, and then fall contentedly to sleep? And pick right up in the morning, seemingly where we left off? Use Joan's "sex without penetration" method, and leave out any and all expectations! Really. I owe you a big time testimonial!"

A couple of months later, I gave this webinar again, and another man raved to me about how well the techniques and especially the attitude adjustment worked for him and his new lover. I asked if he was willing to say more, and he sent me this. I share with you with his approval:

Sex without Penetration

by Shamus MacDuff 

Like most heterosexual males who learned about sex via Playboy, locker room talk, and pornography, I grew up thinking that “real sex” involved putting my penis in a woman’s vagina and thrusting in and out until I ejaculated. Oh, how wrong I was!

Widowed at age 73 after two long marriages, I was very fortunate to meet a wonderful, sex-positive woman via an online dating site. We clicked almost instantly and soon became lovers.

Thankfully, by then I had taken Joan Price’s webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.” It taught me that loving, happy, joyous sex is much more than the classic sexual intercourse -- putting penis-in-vagina (PIV: a term I learned from the webinar) -- which I had thought defined sex. The webinar also surprised me with the fact that very few women achieve orgasms that way.

When this new woman and I were first exploring each other, open and caring communications about sex without penetration aided us in learning how to please each other and reach a crescendo of sexual joy.

My patient lover explained to me exactly how to bring her to orgasm, which had everything to do with clitoral stimulation and nothing to do with intercourse. Since the webinar emphasized the central importance of good communication toward achieving mutual pleasure and orgasm, I was grateful for my lover’s guidance.

Exploring each other without the goal of PIV also let us enjoy excitement and orgasms without any performance anxiety about whether my erection would be hard enough or last long enough. That didn’t matter!

I’ve discovered that giving a woman pleasure via cunnilingus and touching is highly arousing for me. giving me more excitement and pleasure than PIV. My lover equally enjoys pleasing me with fellatio, stroking, and sex toys. Another of Joan’s webinars, “Sex Toys for Seniors,” introduced me to the variety of sex toys and the many fun ways that they can be employed. I’m sure that other men will find, as I have, that these toys heighten sexual pleasure without penetration -- for us as well as for our partners!

So, listen up, guys: if you’re an older man in search of mutual pleasure and sexual fulfillment, sex without penetration is the way to go!


Note from Joan: If you'd like to take one of my workshops live, see my upcoming schedule here. But you don't have to wait for me to come to a city near you -- recordings of my webinars are available now. Info here. Email me for registration details.

Rumble: Unique, Lightweight Vibrator from Tantus

Do you want a vibrator that's well-designed, well-made, body-safe, and fairly strong -- with a truly ergonomic shape, size, and weight? Impossible, you say? Check out The Rumble from Tantus, a solution if you have wrist arthritis or any condition that makes it difficult to grip or hold up a wand vibrator for as long as it takes to get the job done.

I couldn't believe how light the Rumble is to hold: just 6.6 ounces. (For comparison, the Doxy Die Cast, fabulous as it is, weighs almost two pounds.) Tantus describes the Rumble as "featherweight," and I agree. The shape is also unique -- you can hold it in several different ways and it remains easy on the wrist. The silicone head is removable for easy cleaning -- it's even dishwasher safe.

I love the size of the head. The shape is versatile: you can use it flat-headed for all-over vulva sensations, or, if/when you prefer, tilt it so that the edge pinpoints your clitoris. Either way (or changing it up as you go), the sensation is yummy. Although I'm speaking from the point of view of a vulva owner, its use is not restricted to a particular gender -- all Tantus products are gender neutral. (I'd love to hear from you about how your penis enjoys it.)

The controls are large, easy to see (they even light up), and even if your hand is closed over them, you're not likely to press a button accidentally. Some vibrators are annoying because either any light touch turns the darn thing off, or the opposite, you have to use uncomfortable pressure. The Rumble has it right -- you can touch or glide over the buttons while adjusting how you want to hold it, and you won't accidentally turn it off. When you do want to change the settings, a light, intentional pressure will do it. The power button is placed far away from the "-" and "+" buttons, good thinking.

Is it as strong as the monster king vibrators I tend to prefer, like the Doxy Die Cast, Magic Wand, or Sybian? No, not even close. But for those of you who don't require a turbo power tool to get your orgasm going, you'll prefer the lightweight Rumble for the ergonomic qualities I described. Even if you usually do require mondo stimulation, you might find -- as I did! -- that when you're especially in the mood, this works just dandy.

The Rumble is USB rechargeable and has seven settings -- three intensities and four additional patterns. The vibrations at the lower settings are deep and rumbly, which makes the sensations especially pleasurable, though they do get buzzier with higher speeds. The Rumble is quieter than most wand vibrators.

Tantus is a wonderful company for many reasons. It's owned by one of my favorite sex educators and innovators, Metis Black. Metis spearheaded the silicone sex toy movement in 1997, long before the rest of us were aware of the health repercussions of the materials used in sex toys at that time. Metis values the health of her customers as much as our pleasure, plus she's a delightful, warm person.

If you're into dildos or butt plugs of any size or shape, take a look at the original silicone products created by Tantus. And don't miss the sex ed articles -- pegging, spanking, and how to bring up that sexual itch that's been tickling your brain, for example. Now I've got your attention!

Thank you, Tantus, for the gift of the Rumble in return for an honest review.

The review above was originally published 9/8/16. My 8/1/17 update:

The dear folks at Tantus sent me the Dorado Head to try with my Rumble. The Dorado has a  silicone "fin" shape that flicks and flutters, good for stimulating any erogenous zone that wants to be flicked and fluttered.

I found the sensation underwhelming for clitoral arousal, but my penis owner tester reported that it felt nice on his nipples and oh yeah, really, REALLY nice when fluttered up and down and on and around his penis.

For just an extra $24, this attachment makes the Rumble even more versatile. All the Rumble attachments (scroll down from here to view three styles) are easily interchangeable -- just pull off the regular head and substitute the attachment of your choice.

Bobby Joe helps me open
the Dorado packaging

Womanizer Plus and 2Go -- oh yes!

The Womanizer -- the sex toy whose name we hate and whose orgasm assistance we love -- has two new models! There's the long-handled Womanizer Plus and the lipstick-shaped Womanizer 2Go. As soon as I expressed interest, Good Vibrations rushed to ship me both to review. (Love you, Educator Andy!) I was surprised by how powerfully -- and quickly! -- both worked.

Let's get one thing settled. In my earlier reviews of the original Womanizer and the later model Womanizer W500, I dubbed the sensation  "clitoral suction." I described it this way:

It doesn't just vibrate (though it does do that) -- it gently pulls on the clitoris, bringing blood flow, engorgement, and increased sensation. It's not "sucking" like a vacuum -- it's subtle, but oh so effective and pleasurable.

I stand by my description of the sensation, but I guess I need to stop calling it "sucking." Other reviewers** have pointed out that it doesn't "suck" -- it blows puffs of air in pressurized pulses. The company calls it "Pleasure Air Technology." It feels like gentle sucking to me, and it feels glorious. In my experience, both of these new Womanizers speed up arousal and deliver orgasms easily and surprisingly quickly.

Heads in two sizes

These Womanizers are more attractive than the previous models -- the garishness is gone -- and the control buttons***  are easier to use. Both come with detachable heads in two sizes and shapes to get the best fit for your clitoris. (Look carefully -- the extra head is easy to miss underneath the packaging.) Both models are waterproof!

Womanizer 2Go

Pros:
* Smallish and light to pack for travel -- this one is going in my carry-on for sure!

* Quite strong, considering the comparatively small size.

Womanizer 2Go (L)
Laura Mercier lipstick (R)

Cons:
* It's the shape of a lipstick, but not the size. See the difference? This is only a con if you expect teeny tiny.

* The case does not stay closed securely. A little nudge will dislodge the cap from the base. This is a design flaw, and an aggravating one. Be careful if you're carrying it in your purse. Don't let the cat knock it around.

Womanizer Plus 

Pros:
* The long handle is splendidly ergonomic, especially for short arms and arthritic wrists. The design is a huge improvement over previous models.

* The sensation is strong, dependable, and joyous.


Cons:
* I didn't find any cons. Other reviewers criticized the placement of the controls, high and low on the back of the handle, but I liked that I couldn't accidentally turn it down or off.

* Wait -- one con: the price. Yeah, it's as expensive as two high-quality sex toys. But in my view, if you can afford the $200, the pleasure and ease of orgasm make it worth it.  Of course your mileage may vary.

** The funny and often snarky Epiphora described the sensation as akin to "a horde of fish nibbling tenderly at your clitoris." The "sex toy critic/ dildo burner" Dangerous Lilly wrote, "I’ve been told by Womanizer there is no vacuum/suction, instead, the technology is 'pressurized air pulses,'" in her remarkably thorough review of both of these products, Womanizer 2Go and Womanizer Plus, and comparison of all the Womanizer models and  the Satisfyer (which I haven't yet reviewed, but it's in the pipeline). Why am I sending you to other reviewers? Because they're marvelous, and if you don't already read Epiphora and Dangerous Lilly, you should!

*** Control buttons:

Controls back of handle

2Go control button on bottom

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me these Womanizers in return for an honest review.

Over 50? Your sex toy store experiences

Joan at Smitten Kitten Minneapolis

6/30/17 update: So many folks in our age group have never shopped in a sex toy shop, or think they're all dark, scary, and sticky-floored. I describe today's progressive sex toy store, demystify the experience of shopping there, and encourage you to find the closest store and visit in "How to Shop for Sex Toys" for Senior Planet. I quoted several of you! I hope you'll comment there and copy your comment here, too. Thanks for being part of our community.

original post 6/10/17:

How old were you when you first visited a sex toy store? If your first visit was after age 50, what was that like for you? How did the staff make you feel comfortable (or not)? Was it difficult for you to ask questions? I invite you to share by posting a comment.

Good Vibrations San Francisco

Many of my events are in sex toy stores. At 73, I'm comfortable in stores whose walls are populated by shelves of vibrators and dildos. I love to visit to see what's new. I pal around with staff members, delighting in the kinds of discussions that sex nerds enjoy.

Yet I frequently hear from people of my generation that they don't feel comfortable even going into a sex toy shop, let alone asking intimate questions of strangers who look to be the age of their grandchildren. I know what terrific resources these stores are, staffed by trained sex educators and filled with sex toys (aka "orgasm tools," as I sometimes call them) that can intensify your sexual pleasure in ways you thought had disappeared or at least decreased after a certain number of birthdays.

Pleasure Chest NYC

I'd love for this post to become a discussion. Whether you love sex toy shops or you've never dared go in one, or anything in between, please share your experiences and views as comments on this post.* You don't have to use your real name (choose something other than "anonymous," please, just so we can keep track of who's saying what), but please give your real age.

I might want to quote from your experience in an upcoming article. I won't identify you, except by age, unless you want me to. Thank you!


* Please, though, don't post a comment aimed at promoting your own business. If you want to advertise on this blog (a very good idea if you want to reach our age group, but only after I scrutinize your site, the quality of your products, and your customer service), email me to inquire. Any commercial promotions disguised as comments will be swiftly deleted.

"He Wants Me Naked When I Fling the Front Door Open" - Roz Warren reviews Ageless Erotica

6/22/17 update. I was just telling a friend about this hilarious review and decided to bring it to your attention, too. This post is from March 2013. Yes, Ageless Erotica is still available, from either my website (autographed!) or Amazon. The book and I are 4 years older now; otherwise nothing has changed!  -- Joan

ORIGINAL POST:

When I read Roz Warren's review of Ageless Erotica at HumorTimes.com , I laughed so hard that I immediately asked the writer for permission to republish it here. Enjoy! -- Joan

If you want a glimpse into the erotic imaginations of sex writers who’ve been around the block a few times, pick up a copy of Ageless Erotica, a new collection of sex writing by, for, and about seniors.

Joan Price, 69, is on a mission to “talk out loud about senior sex.” She gives lectures. She holds workshops. And she writes books. Better than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty was followed by Naked At Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. And now there’s Ageless Erotica, described as a “steamy assortment of erotic stories and memoir essays written for a mature audience.”

The book collects tales of seniors from all walks of life, gay and straight, vanilla and kinky, taking their clothes off and having a good time. I’ve never found erotica a turn-on, but I still got a kick out of reading it. I even learned a few things. (Masturbation clubs for women? Who knew?)

The stories in Ageless Erotica are a fascinating mix of the sensual, the medical and the humorous. The writing itself is all over the place. Laughingly abysmal. Unabashedly smutty. And, often, oddly moving.

Here’s a sampling of my favorite lines:

“My yoni was a ravenous hollow.”

“In a flash, he was butt-naked except for his socks.”

“I came in places I didn’t know I had.”

“My first blue cock. Would anything else on earth ever feel so good?”

“I played his instrument with my mouth as if it were a flute.”

“You are amazingly well constructed,” he said. “There’s evidence of too much sun on exposed areas, leaving a coarseness to the skin, but,” he added, stroking my ass, “the hidden parts are the silkiest I’ve ever felt.”

“Lifting her breasts away from her chest, he kissed his way down, until he found her sparse, gray pubic hair.”

“A lifetime of hard work let me afford trendy cashmere sweaters.”

“You have such beautiful, manly nipples, sweetheart.”

“I skipped teasing him with the knitted glove and went straight to the surgical one — in my actual size.”

“Filthy incoherence is always a positive sign at that point in our lovemaking.”

“He wants me naked when I fling the front door open.”

“It’s my boyish charm, as I’m told, that hangs around, unlike my hair.”

“I’ve included the inevitable butt plug.”

“A heavy date requires a slow day beforehand and a preparatory nap.”

“Off to the bedroom?” I asked with a wink.

“I clutch the sheets and yell, 'Fuck, oh fuck, yes, yes, yes, do me, oh do me, thank you Sir, oh fuck, fuck, yes, yes, yes!'”

“We were naked before we even washed our vibrators.”

“I couldn’t remember if I had shaved the gray hairs from my lollipop just in case it was going to get licked.”

“Barry took my legs and spread them like a wishbone.”

“Tom Maynard, you’re as hard as a prize salami!”

“You can thank my hormone supplements. They do wonders for this kind of thing.”

"His first question when we met was, 'Do you know how to gut a deer?'”

"He says, 'I’m prepared,' code for the Levitra pill he took a half hour ago.”

“My heart resumed a normal rhythm, all fears of another infarction vanished.”

"His tongue slid around my clit, which I’ve named Ethel, and over it, and too soon, I flooded with warmth."

Intrigued? You can find Ageless Erotica at your local indy bookstore.

If it’s not in stock, just give the salesperson a lascivious wink and ask him to order it for you. And Ethel.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor and The Philadelphia Inquirer. Visit her website.


This review (c) Roz Warren first appeared at HumorTimes.com on March 30, 2013. It is reprinted here with Ms. Warren's permission.