Notable 2016 Sex Books

Sex: there's so much to learn! These well-written, 2016 non-fiction books present new information, helpful tips, and provocative points of view that you'll find illuminating. These books make great holiday gifts -- buy them in time to read them first!



Inviting Desire: A guide for women who want to enhance their sex life by Walker J. Thornton, is a self-help book of tips, tools, questions, and exercises that help you understand and own your sexuality after the shifts you’ve experienced after menopause. It’s written as a 30-day process to invite desire and sexuality back into your life, and help you examine new ways to think about sexual desire, prepare for sex, understand your own arousal pattern, and accept yourself as a sexual being. Thornton's tone is soft-spoken and intimate, sharing the practices that she has learned along her own journey. "This is about you, your body, and your desire," writes Thornton.

Thornton covers many useful topics in her 30-day journey. You'll learn more about yourself as a sexual being as well as tools for making changes.  Although Thornton says, "it's for you, not you and a partner" and the exercises are done independently, the book is geared to women who have partners or partners-to-be. If you're solo, some of the practices won't apply, but you'll still learn new ways to think about your own body, your own desire, and your own pleasure.



 Future Sex: A New Kind of Free Love by Emily Witt. Single, in her thirties, and (sometimes) enjoying the hook-up culture, Emily Witt decides to observe and participate in other ways that people enjoy sex. She explores Orgasmic Meditation, the making of porn, sex parties, and Burning Man, for example. If you liked America Unzipped and Secret Sex Lives, you'll enjoy this one, too. Some of Witt's discoveries/conclusions:

• "Some experiences you avoid not because you know you don't like them but because you don't want to like them...My aversion to pornography was not because the images didn't stimulate, but because i did not want to be turned on by sex that was not the kind of sex I wanted to have." 
• "I think if someone were to draw a portrait of the people who were 'ruining Burning Man' it would have looked like us."
• "I now understood the fabrication of my sexuality. I saw the seams of its construction and the arbitrary nature of its myths...Just as wanting to fall in love did not manifest love, proclaiming myself 'sexually free' would not liberate me from inhibition."

In Search of My Sexy Old Self: Re-discovering sex after sixty and beyond  by Cathy Thomas is a memoir + self-help guide on rediscovering sex with a partner after it has gone dormant. At 71 and 74, Cathy Thomas and her partner had been together 30 years, and for the last decade, sex had stopped for them. They rarely talked about it, and skittishly dropped the subject if it happened to come up. Then Thomas decided to go on a journey, researching whether people were really having sex at their age, and if so, what kind of sex, and why, and how. Her research led her to several authors (among them, me) and websites, and the new knowledge she gained culminated in a rebirth of sex and a new kind of communication and intimacy between Thomas and her partner. The end of each chapter includes "Discovery Tasks" to help you take this journey yourself.

I recommend this well-written and buoyant book especially for readers who want a gentler, more one-step-at-a-time pace in rediscovering their sex lives than I often promote. Whereas I may seem to push you into a "just do it" attitude whether talking to a partner or a doctor or self-pleasuring with sex toys, I know that many of you might appreciate a more gradual approach. This book may be just right for you.

Talking about Sex Without Intercourse

Let’s get one misconception out of the way. Sex without intercourse is still sex. Real sex. Satisfying sex. Hot sex. The idea that only intercourse constitutes “real sex” limits our creativity and our satisfaction.

Sex is any activity that arouses you and brings you sexual pleasure. 

So begins "A Senior's Guide to Sex Without Intercourse" which I wrote for Senior Planet. I spell out some reasons why you might want or need sex without penis-in-vagina (PIV), how you might want to explore sexual expression without vaginal penetration, activities to help you prepare for this change, and ways to communicate about it. I hope you'll read it and post your comments there. Let's make that Guide just the beginning of the discussion.

One of the topics I discuss is how to negotiate what you want sexually, whether you've been with your partner for decades or you're just starting to get intimate. I offer these opening statements if you're starting a new relationship and you want to become sexual in ways that do not involve PIV:

• I’m very attracted to you. Intercourse is not possible for me, but I’d love to explore all the other ways we can enjoy each other. 
• I’m excited about where this is leading. Can we explore how to make love to each other without the goal of intercourse? 
• I have to tell you that we might not be able to have intercourse. But, if you’d enjoy it, I’d love to use my mouth and hand to satisfy you.

Have you negotiated sex without PIV with either a longtime or a new partner? What words did you use to open the conversation? I invite you to post your comments here. (I want everyone including readers in their seventies, eighties, nineties to feel comfortable with the language here, so express yourself candidly but in words that wouldn't get bleeped on network TV.)

As sex columnist Dan Savage explained in a recent podcast,

Straight people should take from gay people these four magic words: “What are you into?” That question, when two guys are going to have sex, is always asked. When it’s a man and a woman, all too often, consent is granted and then all communication ceases. What’s happening next is assumed: if it’s heterosexual sex, it’s penis in vagina.

We don’t have that default assumption in gay land. When two guys say yes to sex, it’s the beginning of a whole other conversation. Everything has to be discussed and negotiated. Asking “What are you into?” is so empowering, because at that moment, you can rule anything in and anything out. It’s a sexy negotiation. Straight people sometimes say to me, I wish I could have more sex. I say, "You could, if you had a broader definition of sex."

In the Resources section of "A Senior's Guide to Sex Without Intercourse", I recommend several books. To make them easy to find, here they are with direct links to their Amazon pages -- or your local independent bookstore can order them for you.

Older Women Wear Lingerie, age 72

Aging brings wisdom and experience -- and body image insecurity. Most of us, even if we glory in our sexuality, have misgivings about our ever-expanding wrinkles and sags. Sometimes it takes another pair of eyes -- whether a lover or a photographer -- to show us that our outer beauty matches our inner beauty.

At age 65, then again at age 68, I stripped to lingerie for photo shoots. I learned a lot about myself from these experiences and from viewing and sharing the results. People applauded, praised me for my courage, high-fived me for encouraging others to have their own lingerie shoots.

My  blog posts about these events quickly drew more viewers than any of my other posts, and they continue to place in the top four all time most popular posts. Many women shared their own experiences and photos, some privately. some publicly. I was happy that my experience had helped to empower others.

 I didn't know I would do it again. But in September 2016, I slipped (wrestled?) my 72-year-old body into lovely lingerie provided by Lovehoney.com and smiled at the renowned Los Angeles photographer, Perry Gallagher, who specializes in Boudoir, Fine Art Nude, Fashion, and Wedding photography.

How did this happen? Krista from Lovehoney knew Perry's work and mine. When she learned that I would be in LA for speaking events in September, she offered both the lingerie and the photo shoot.

Krista explained her involvement in the project this way:

Joan is a lovely timeless spirit and I was overjoyed to work with her on a photo shoot and check out some of Lovehoney's newest lingerie styles. I connected her with one of my favorite photographers, Perry Gallagher, to complete the vision. 

Joan is not only adorable, she is also breaking down stereotypes that women of a certain age are not considered sexy or sexual. I want people to see that lingerie isn’t just for the young and pert. Lingerie, and sex toys, can enhance your sex life and increase your self-confidence no matter your age, size, shape, or ability.

What was it like to work with Perry? A ton of fun. Perry is a true professional. He knew how to put me at ease with his humor and his appreciation of the female body whatever its shape, size, or age. He give me instructions -- where to turn, where to look, how to arrange various body parts -- including tucking myself back into my bra when breast spillage occurred. The whole time, he clicked away.



I felt completely comfortable with Perry -- except when I worried about him climbing on a ladder to shoot me from above. (I have a fear of heights -- he does not.) It was exciting to be at the center of his rapt attention, I admit that. Much of that excitement was the feeling, "I'm doing this. My 72-year-old body is fine with being photographed in skimpy bits of cloth." It was a truly empowering experience that I'll take with me anytime I fret about a new wrinkle or thigh puff.

Thank you, LoveHoney.com, for sending me the luscious undies and sponsoring this photo shoot. These are the products I'm modeling. Follow the links if you'd like to wear these yourself!

• Lovehoney Spoil Me Satin Babydoll Set Plum
• Lovehoney Flaunt Me Floral Lace Robe
• Lovehoney Flirty Underwired Plunge Bra Black
• Lovehoney Tempt Me Dot Mesh Bra
• Lovehoney Flirty Black Lace and Mesh Panties

News flash: Lovehoney is offering my readers a 10% discount on everything -- not just lingerie! Follow this link.

Thank you, Perry Gallagher, for these amazing photos and for making the whole experience fun and full of laughter. View Perry's video here:

I would encourage other women of all ages to explore the opportunity to have just this type of experience for yourself: to be photographed and to see the inner beauty that is you, right now, no matter what age you are. Now is a good time.

-- Perry Gallagher

Senior Sex Classes, no travel required -- Interested?

3/16/17 update: I just announced my next webinar: 7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Sexual Pleasure on Sat., March 25, 2017. Learn more here, and please subscribe to my newsletter here. Do it now so you don't miss anything! 

Let's talk sex by phone or computer! No, I'm not inviting you to have phone sex or webcam sex with me. I'm inviting you to hear a senior sex class and ask your questions -- via teleseminar or webinar.

Background: Many of you ask when I'll be in your area giving a speech or workshop. You want to learn my tips for sexy aging, or negotiate sex with a new partner, or spice up your long-time relationship, or figure out how to get back your desire for sex, or deal with online dating, for example.


I'm sorry, I get so many emails that I can't possibly answer every one. The answers are often in my books, but I know that many of you prefer a different way of learning, or you want more direct and personal answers to your questions. I do travel to give presentations in many cities (see my events schedule here), but I can't be everywhere.

If I'm not going to be in your area, would you be interested in attending a personalized class by phone or online?

That means you'd listen to my class on the phone or watch it on your computer and be able to ask questions and interact in a small group. You would pay a modest fee to attend, which would include a handout.

Here are some sample topics I'm considering offering:

·        Why don't I feel sexual desire and what can I do about it?

·        Great sex without erections – sex isn’t all about erections, what we and our partners need to understand about giving and receiving pleasure, no erection required.

·        Dating at my age – tips and insights for making it fun instead of scary and sad.

·        Online dating at my age – avoiding the mistakes that most people make.

·        Safer sex – why I need to care about this, tips for talking with a partner. 
·      Long-term relationships – how to spice it up again, recapturing desire and intimacy.

·        Non-monogamy/ polyamory/ friends with benefits – would this work for me?

·        Talking to my doctor about my sexual issues: when, why, how?

·        Solo sex is real sex – how to stay sexual without a partner.

·        Sex toys – do I need them? How do I choose?

Do some of these interest you? If so, here are some questions for you:

1. Which topics would grab your interest? Examples above, or add your own. 
2. Would you make time for an hour-long class, or would you prefer 30 or 45 minutes? 
3. Would you prefer a teleseminar (via phone only, no computer required, audio only) or a webinar (via computer, audio and video -- you can see me speaking to you and view slides and images)?
4. Would you be more likely to attend live, with the option of asking your questions, or listen to a recording on your own schedule?
5. What country, state, time zone do you live in?

You can answer in the comments section here, or -- better -- email me so that I can contact you when I've finalized details. If you want to be on my mailing list for dates and topics, please email me with "online class" in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!


Update: Thank you for the emails I'm receiving! Clearly you're interested. If you've already emailed me, I'll be on touch. If not, please do! Let me know which topics interest you especially. Write to me here. Subject line: online class. -- Joan

Doxy Die Cast: So Strong!

There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Doxy Die Cast. She's strong, brightly colored, strong, made of a snazzy aluminum/titanium alloy, strong. Did I mention that the Doxy Die Cast is strong? Strong as in lie-back-and-it'll-happen strong, even if your orgasms usually take a lot of effort. If you like a high intensity clitoral vibrator, this power tool will sing to you in great, rumbly, throbby tones.

Let's back up. I had the privilege of talking to Ruby Goodnight from Doxy at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit last month. At the Doxy booth, I was dazzled by the gorgeous colors of the Die Cast models. After turning one on, I was even more dazzled by the strength of the vibrations.

In 2014, I had written a glowing review of the original Doxy Wand, so Ruby was familiar with my love of Doxy. When I told her I had to review this new model, she said she worried about its heavy heft for me, because she knew I wanted sex toys to work with arthritic wrists. That's one of my criteria for reviewing sex toys.

However, having experienced the Doxy Die Cast, I must repeat what I said about the original Doxy:

I generally prefer vibrators that are easy on arthritic wrists -- this one is not. It's heavy, it's huge, and I would be in pain from trying to hold it for any length of time. However, that's irrelevant, because it works so fast that my wrist barely notices. Yes, it's that good.

What do I love about the Doxy Die Cast? Let me count the ways:

• It's really strong. (Yeah, I know I've made that point already, but that is the point.) 
• The head is made of body-safe silicone and has a bit of cush for comfort.
• The head is large enough to send vibrations over much of the vulva and the internal clitoris, those pleasure-giving nerve endings under the surface. (See my Clitoring for an illustration of the wishbone- shaped part of the clitoris that we don't see.)

• The control buttons are large, easy and comfortable to press, and they light up. 
• The vibrant color wouldn't be enough to sell me on a vibrator, but when I'm already sold, gorgeousness is an added bonus.

The Doxy Die Cast is easy to use -- just press the power button quickly to turn it on, then increase or decrease intensity with the "+" or "-" buttons. But there's also a mode called the "pulse setting" that you might not find on your own if you don't read the manual. This is a revving up from low intensity to high. Once you're in this mode, the "+" or "-" buttons vary the rate of acceleration. I usually don't care about vibrational patterns, but this is especially pleasing! Access the "pulse setting" it by turning off the Doxy, then press the power button for two seconds and it will be running in pulse mode.

Here are some things you might not like so much, though they don't bother me when compared to the pleasure:

• It's big and heavy -- 13" long by 2.38" wide, weighing 1.8 pounds.
• It has to stay plugged in while in use. (That's understandable for powering a motor that strong.)
• Be careful following the instruction booklet, which is not completely correct for this model. Since the Doxy Die Cast has a silicone head (not "medical grade PVC" as it says -- that's a different Doxy), you do not want to use silicone lubricant with it, despite the booklet's instructions -- use water-based lube instead. Doxy tells me that these errors will be corrected on the next print run.

It comes with its own cushioned storage case. It's a huge, hardshell case, 19" long, so don't expect to carry it in a backpack. I would have appreciated a storage pouch in case I wanted to store or pack it without the mondo case, but this case will keep it clean and protected.



The Doxy Die Cast is available from SheVibe, a splendid sex toy shop with a devoted blogger following, because they treat their bloggers and their customers so well. Their website is also fun, because of the sexy comic art throughout the site. Check it out.

(Would you please tell SheVibe that they need some artwork showing people our age? Do you see me with my hand in the air, volunteering to pose?)

PalmPower: Now rechargeable!

8/8/2016. Updated review, thanks to the new rechargeable version of the PalmPower!  

August 2016 update:

Woo hoo, my beloved little PalmPower now has a rechargeable model, aptly named the PalmPower Recharge. If you're not familiar with the original PalmPower, read my June 2014 review below, then come back here.

The original model had to be plugged in while you used it. Not a big deal for most of us. But if you want to take your vibrator on a camping trip, or use it with a partner without getting tangled up, or you want to travel light on an overnight, you might have wished that you could charge your PalmPower, then take it away cord-free. Now you can. The PalmPower Recharge comes with a USB cord for recharging, then you can disconnect the cord and play on.

How's the intensity compared to the corded version? Very similar, not exactly the same. I found the rechargeable a smidgen less intense and a bit more rumbly than the buzzier original model. It's still powerful, especially given its small size. The design, size, shape are all the same, and the same attachments fit on both. Neither model is waterproof. You can remove and wash the cap (or other attachment), but you can't use the PalmPower in the bath or the pool, sorry.

If you've wished you had a strong, portable, small, uncorded vibrator that didn't require an outlet during use, the PalmPower Recharge will put a sweet, satisfied smile on your face. If you already have the original and the necessity of using it corded isn't a significant annoyance, stick with that one.

Many thanks to the Smitten Kitten for sending me the new model, for promoting sex positivity and sex education, and for supporting my mission here. Wonderful folks, those Kittens.

If you're curious about the ring in the photo above, it's the Clitoring from Penelopi Jones. The design is the internal clitoris -- quite a conversation starter, eh? After I bought mine, I asked if they would offer a discount to my readers and audiences -- yep, if you enter "niceprice" in the coupon box, you get 15% off.


Original review, June 2014:

Drum roll, please: Introducing the PalmPower, a lightweight, ergonomically designed product that packs so much power into a small, silicone topped vibrator that it jumped to #1 on my personal Hit Parade the first time I used it. And the second time. And... you get the picture.

Let me back up. If I were inventing a vibrator that would be perfect for me, at age 70, and for most of you, dear readers over 50, it would have these qualities:

• Really strong.
• Body-safe materials.
• Really strong.
• Lightweight and ergonomic -- easy to hold with arthritic wrists for as long as it takes.
• Really strong.
• Easy to power on and turn up the intensity, even when fingers and vibrator are well lubed.
• Really strong.
• Difficult or impossible to inadvertently decrease intensity, switch to unwanted patterns, or turn off by mistake. (Hate it when that happens!)
• Really strong.
• Won't die, run out of charge, or otherwise kill the buzz (literally and figuratively) for as long as it takes.
• Really strong.

Until last week, the Magic Wand -- my favorite since the 1970s -- was the clear winner, with all but one of the qualities above. But you know that the Magic Wand, as stellar as it is in every other category, is far from "lightweight." It's huge and heavy, but we put up with that because of its world class performance. (And, frankly, it doesn't take very long to reach our goal with the Magic Wand, so the monster heft of it does no real damage.)

The PalmPower has taken over as my favorite vibrator because it has all the qualities in my list. All of them, including lightweight. Best of all, as small as it is, the vibrations are super strong, strong, STRONG!

Using the PalmPower is simple. Plug it in (it comes with an assortment of plugs for different countries), press the button to turn it on. The longer you hold the button pressed in, the higher the intensity climbs! Release when you get the intensity where you want it, and it will stay there! (Sorry for all the exclamation marks, but I wish all vibrators worked like this.)  Press and release quickly to turn it off. That's it.


The head of the vibrator is a silicone cap that pulls off easily for cleaning or for trying a different attachment. To put it on, line up the "T" inside the cap with the "T" on the head, and it snaps right on. (I couldn't get a clear photo of the "T," sorry.)

I received two of the four possible attachments -- one with narrow "ears" and one with widely spaced "ears."

You can use the main cap and/or these attachments for honest-to-goodness massage, and the "ears" are also fun for penis stimulation. (Try the narrow ears on his frenulum, that sensitive, nerve-rich area where the glans meets the shaft on the underside of the penis.)

There are two more attachments that I did not receive -- one turns the PalmPower into a rabbit (clitoral and vaginal stimulation) and the other is designed for G-spot stimulation.

6/267/14 update: I've tested the additional attachments. The "rabbit" doesn't do much for me, but I was surprised to discover that I really like the G-spotter! Here's why:

1. It fits so snugly that the PalmPower becomes hands-free (!)
2. The strongest vibrations are concentrated on the clitoris (where the cap presses), with more subdued vibrations right against the G-spot (where the internal part presses)
3. You can play with tapping it, rocking it, or just letting it sit and vibrate. Yummy. 

The Palm Power does have some cons, but I'll overlook them because of all the pros:

• It has to be plugged in while in use. (It comes with a nice, long cord, though, so you don't have to station yourself near the wall socket.)
• Only the silicone cap can be washed -- the rest has to be wiped down without getting it wet. Be careful with the lube.

Hmmn, I think those are the only cons. It's a fabulous product!

Thank you, The Smitten Kitten, for introducing me to the PalmPower and sending me my new best buddy in return for an honest review.

Joan pretends the PalmPower is a microphone

Eight Years Later... reflections on loving, losing, and living on

August 2, 2008: I kissed Robert, my husband and great love, for the last time. Exactly seven years before that, we kissed for the first time. Over the years I've chronicled our love story and my grief story. Last year at this time, I had been without him for the same number of years as we were together. Today, I had to tick off another year without him.

I wasn't sure whether -- or how -- I would write about this today. I read my past posts about losing Robert, and my past posts about loving Robert. I reread the little book he wrote just before he died: the last thoughts he wanted to share.

Then when I started reading some of the cards and letters he wrote me, I decided I'd let Robert speak for himself. I share some of these to show you that it's never too late to find your great love, and maybe we shouldn't settle for anything less.

If your beloved is with you still, please set aside the petty things that annoy you, solve the big issues as best you can, communicate your needs in an honest and loving way, and please let your loved one know your gratitude and appreciation. Surprise your loved one with sweet messages. Make every day together count.

And if you've lost your loved one, know that it does get better year by year, especially if you stay active and let people get close to you. It's all too easy to close down and shut people out. But don't! Find ways to live with joy and clarity. Keep learning. Use your skills and knowledge to help others.

Front of postcard

One the first anniversary of Robert's death, a grief counselor suggested that I do one thing that honors my memory of Robert, one thing that I've never done before, and one thing that helps other people. That turned out to be good advice, not just at year one, but at every anniversary, birthday, and holiday -- those days when the pain can be especially sharp.

Moving forward, I've learned, doesn't mean that we've left our loved one behind -- it means we take with us what we shared, what we learned, and above all, that we know how to love and live fully. Eventually we find that the tears diminish as laughter grows, and when our hearts open, joy can enter.

Back of postcard

I welcome your comments.