Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
Reviewed by Shamus MacDuff

I’m a heterosexual man in my early 70s who’s spent my entire adult life in two monogamous marriages. My wife died recently, and suddenly I found myself a widower embarked on a voyage of self-discovery while adrift in a tumultuous sea of relationships. I don’t wish to remarry, but I definitely do want sexual intimacy and joyful connections with women. How to find these?

I’ve discovered Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Her book provides a wealth of helpful background on the full range of non-monogamous relationships, and is at once both informative and inspiring.

Taormino covers all genders in all combinations with many examples. She discusses the myths surrounding monogamy (myths I understand only too well), the pros and cons of open relationships, and the range of such connections from partnered non-monogamy to swinging, to polyamory, and polyfidelity. All of these styles of non-monogamy share the basic premise that “one partner cannot meet all their needs and they may want to have sex or a relationship with someone other than their current partner.” Instead of hiding it, they “bring this fact out into the open.”

Tristan Taormino

Taormino emphasizes that open relationships only work when these significant elements are present: self-awareness and self-discovery, mutual consent, good communication skills, clear boundaries, honesty, trust, fidelity, and commitment. She addresses issues of possessiveness, control, and jealousy—widely associated with monogamy—emphasizing the importance of relinquishing and overcoming these for non-monogamous relationships to succeed.

She devotes an entire chapter to the idea of compersion as the flip side of jealousy: “compersion is taking joy in your partner’s pleasure or happiness with another partner.” Taormino notes, “Jealousy is a learned behavior. The first step to achieving compersion is to work on unlearning jealousy—letting go of feelings of insecurity, possessiveness, and fear.” While compersion may not be crucial to a functional open relationship, she argues that it is “bound to enhance your relationship.”

I have sufficient self-insight in my 70s to recognize that non-monogamy offers me a path forward toward sexual closeness, non-possessive happiness, and mutual commitment without the encumbrances of marriage and exclusivity. My challenge is to find others who share this perspective and who possess the requisite maturity, self-awareness, communication skills, and commitment to honesty to make a consensual non-monogamous relationship work. Like me, I think that others of you will find Taormino’s Opening Up of great help in charting a course as we venture forth on this journey.

Note from Joan: Shamus MacDuff is the pseudonym of a retired university professor and author. Other than his name, he promises that everything he says about himself is true. His earlier guest post, “Great Sex Without Penetration: A Man’s View,” attracted so many readers and such positive response that when he offered to review some books relevant to sex-positive seniors, I quickly agreed.

Sexy New Year's Resolutions

Have you made your New Year's Resolutions for 2018? I'm not talking about those tired (and usually abandoned) promises like go to the gym, stick to a budget, and stop junk food snacking. I'm talking about Sexy New Year's Resolutions -- changes and commitments that will give you a richer, more joyful sex life, especially at our age. And they're fun to put into action!

You may know that I write a monthly "Sex at Our Age" column for Senior Planet. Usually I answer a reader's question in this column, but occasionally I take a different path. This month, my Sexy New Year's Resolutions offer you 14 tips and lifestyle changes that will make a huge difference if you follow them fully. Here are some examples. (Read the others here.)

Redefine Sex. Change your definition of sex to whatever activities arouse you and bring you sexual pleasure, partnered or solo. Embracing a new definition of sex expands your possibilities for pleasure. Read this account of one reader’s experience.

Track the Tingle. For quicker, easier, and more satisfying arousal, figure out what time of day you feel most sexually responsive. When you feel the “tingle” – that quiver of erotic possibility – set aside time to indulge yourself sexually or schedule that time on your next free day.

Self-Pleasure Frequently. Solo sex is real sex, and it’s good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. Give yourself sexual pleasure, whether you’re in a relationship or not. You’re celebrating your body’s ability to give you exquisite pleasure.

Just Do It. This is for you if you enjoy sex when you do it, but you rarely feel desire in advance. You’re experiencing “responsive desire”: your desire follows physiological arousal instead of preceding it. So just do it, and your desire will kick in.

Exercise Before Sex. Increasing your blood flow with physical activity isn't only good for the heart and muscles — it's also good for sexual function and pleasure. One of the best things we can do to speed up arousal and orgasm is regular exercise, especially before sex.

Sex Before Food. Eating before sex sends the blood flow to your digestive system instead of your genitals. Have sex first, then eat. Sexual arousal will be easier, orgasms will be more reliable, and you will relish that meal afterward.

Use Your Words. Learning to talk about sex is the key to getting what you want. A long-term partner is likely to continue doing what used to work, even if it doesn't work for you now, unless you redirect the action. A new partner wants to know how to please you. Speak up.

Have Sex More Often. Difficulty with arousal and orgasm is a good reason to have more sex, not less. The penis and the clitoris require blood flow for engorgement. The more you engage in stimulation – partnered or solo — the more easily the blood flows to the genitals.

Committing to a year of resolutions is daunting, I know. But did you know that it takes just three weeks to make or break a habit? So how about selecting two or three of these resolutions and committing three weeks to seeing how they work for you? Chances are you'll want to keep doing them. Let me know!


Have you checked out my senior sex webinars? Be sure to subscribe to my newsletter, where you'll get special discounts on my webinars and more.

Webinars: Joan Price's Senior Sex Online Classes

Webinars!

What’s a webinar, how does it work, 
and why should you care?

A webinar is an online class. Using a web camera and microphone, I give an information-packed, lively presentation similar to the way I teach when I travel, but you watch online instead of waiting for me to come to your city. You can watch live if it fits your schedule, or watch a video recording of it later, or both. These classes are on topics that you -- my subscribers and readers -- have requested.

Recent webinars, available for viewing online:

If you're interested in a webinar that has already happened, you can purchase viewing rights for $55 for one; $50 each for two; or $45 each for three or more. (All prices US dollars.) Each 90-minute webinar was recorded in its entirety and you can watch at your convenience -- multiple times if you wish. Once I receive your payment via PayPal or check, I'll send you the link and password.  Email me for details, telling me which webinars you wish to view. 

7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Sexual Pleasure 

How’s your sex life as a senior? If you answer either “Not very satisfying” or “What sex life?” this practical webinar is for you. You’ll learn the facts about sex and aging and helpful strategies for overcoming the challenges. With Joan’s help, you’ll start to design your personal action plan for bringing the zing back into your sex life, partnered or solo. Included:

• 5 simple, practical tips for easier sexual arousal that you can put into action immediately;

• Framework for a 7-step plan to improve your sexual pleasure long-term;

• Handout to help you design your plan.
Recorded May 25, 2017.

Sex Toys for Seniors 

Joan has been reviewing sex toys from a senior perspective for more than a decade. At our age, a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between orgasm or no orgasm. What do vibrators do that a hand or partner can't? How do I choose the best one(s)? What if my partner doesn't want me to use a sex toy? Will using a vibrator decrease my sensitivity? Will I become dependent on a vibrator? Are there good sex toys for men? Included:

 • Joan's criteria for evaluating sex toys

 • 8 questions to help you choose your personal vibrator.

 • 5 myths and facts about vibrators.

 • Show-and-tell: Joan's highly recommended sex toys for seniors.
 • Links for recommended sex toys.
(Recorded May 27, 2017.) 

Great Sex without Penetration

Let’s get one misconception out of the way. Sex without penetration is still sex. Real sex. Hot sex. The idea that only penetrative sex constitutes “real sex” limits our creativity and our satisfaction. There are many reasons that penetrative sex might be off the table, but that leaves us with a smorgasbord of delectable options. Get new ideas for what we can do instead to express ourselves sexually, arouse ourselves and each other, share intimacy, and enjoy orgasms. Learn how to talk to a partner about sexual limitations and possibilities and how to negotiate more satisfying sexual expression. Handout included. (Recorded June 1, 2017.)



12 Steps to Sexy Aging – Starting Now! 


What can you do now to make sure you keep sex alive as you age? What are the secrets to staying sexually vibrant through the decades ahead? In this presentation, you’ll learn what you can do starting now, whether you’re 25 or 55 or any age at all, to invest in your future sexuality. You’ll learn practical tips, communication skills, and attitude adjustments to enrich your sex life lifelong – partnered or solo – despite what the aging process throws your way. (Recorded July 22, 2017.)

How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?

Dating after 50, 60, 70 and beyond can feel awkward and weird. How do you meet people? Do you need to use online dating? What are the mistakes most people make with their online profile and photos? Whether you’re widowed, divorced, polyamorous, or a long-time single, this entertaining webinar will be illuminating and practical -- plus you’ll find out how others our age meet and mate. Useful tips and plenty of laughter guaranteed. Worksheet included for getting what you want! (Recorded June 17, 2017.)

⇝⇝⇝NEW FREE WEBINAR! ⇜⇜⇜⇜

Safer Sex for Seniors

Safer sex barriers -- condoms, dental dams, gloves -- are FUN and we seniors need to use them. Learn how and why to use safer sex, how to eroticize it, and what to say during the safer sex conversation. You'll learn how to choose which size condom your penis of choice needs, what a receptive condom is and how it works, and even how to put a condom on a soft penis using your mouth. This lively, fun-filled webinar is presented by senior sex educator and award-winning author Joan Price  and sponsored by Lucky Bloke. View it here.

Your Burning Questions? 

I'm planning some shorter webinars at a low ticket price. What burning question(s) would you like to hear me  answer? I'll choose those that are (a) narrowly focused so that I can do them justice in 20 minutes; (b) of interest to many of you; and (c) not covered sufficiently in my other webinars. (If you're not sure if your question qualifies, send it in anyway!) Everyone who submits a question that I use for a new webinar gets a discount to view it! Email me here to submit your questions.

What do Joan's webinar attendees and viewers say?

• "My wife and I enjoyed your sex without penetration webinar very much. The real value of the presentation was the manner-of-fact way that you talk about sex without penetration. In particular, directly talking frankly about pursuing ones sexual pleasure. Your webinars have been the catalyst for several lengthy talks in recent weeks. Our conversations (especially the pillow-talk) and our play time together have simply been better. We are happy to be part of your community. Thanks for doing what you do!"
• "This webinar is a fine presentation and an extremely helpful piece of work and I benefited in a host of ways. Even though I've read all three of your books on aging and sexuality, have followed your blog and other online items, I learned some things this afternoon."
•  "How is it possible for a 69-year-old woman and a 72-year-old man to enjoy 3 continuous hours of non-stop sex and joyful lovemaking, and then fall contentedly to sleep? And pick right up in the morning, seemingly where we left off? Use Joan's "sex without penetration" method, and leave out any and all expectations! Really. I owe you a big time testimonial!"
• "We learned a lot from your webinar. My husband and I have been married 40 years. We are going to take some of the steps you recommended."
• "I think you did a real good job of explaining things. I could see that what we were facing is not uncommon."
• "Loved the sex toy webinar! I didn’t realize the different ergonomic options for vibrators and dildos so this will help my greatly in work with seniors helping to refer them to appropriate toys. I will use this information when purchasing my own toys and also with older age clients wanting to discuss sex and sex toy options."
• "Your sex toy webinar was an  excellent presentation and show& tell. Very informative and, as a toy 'virgin,' I liked your very matter-of-fact, 'this is ok and normal' approach. At one point I LOL'd, because I mentally superimposed you showing varieties of cake mixers or vacuum cleaners. Your approach has caused me to want to get one of these 'appliances' yesterday."
• "Your dating webinar was interesting and worthwhile and very helpful in clarifying what I'm looking for and what are deal breakers. You were an engaging and authentic speaker!"
• "I wrote what I thought to be a compelling profile on OKCupid, but it attracted relatively little interest.  Joan Price's webinar ("How the Heck Do I Date at This Age") provided important tips and suggestions for revision, and after I incorporated these insights the activity level on my profile increased markedly and has resulted in numerous inquiries and several fun dates with good matches."
• "Five stars! I think what you're doing is quite challenging and you did a great job. You kept it light and funny while discussing some things most find quite difficult. You told some nice stories and especially you showed us some of your own vulnerability. Powerful stuff."
• "I loved how matter of fact you are about using sex toys. I will keep playing around with my vibrators as a way to get to know my own sexual response, and bring that knowledge into partner sex. Thank you for the wonderful work you do and the beautiful acceptance of all that sex for seniors may entail."
• "I found your entire sex toys presentation absorbing and highly informative about the variety and range of sex toys and what they can and cannot do. I delighted in your imitations of the different sounds and speeds of various sex toys. What a kick!"
• "Your Safer Sex video is a very good awakening to misinformed seniors (and individuals of all ages) on the Who, What Where When and Why of safe sex. I watched it twice and was amazed how you packed into that presentation. That video is gold!" 

Joan shows her favorites
in Sex Toys for Seniors

Interested in meeting me in person? View my speaking schedule here. I am also available for personal consultations via phone or video call. Email me for more information. Be sure you subscribe here to receive my occasional newsletter for senior sex tips, events, and special offers for subscribers only. Thank you for being part of my community.